Spillway

Bullet With Butterfly Wings

the world is a vampire, sent to drain
secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do I get, for my pain
betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
even though I know-I suppose I'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job

despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
but can you fake it, for just one more show
and what do you want, I want change
and what have you got
when you feel the same
even though I know-I suppose I'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job

tell me I'm the only one
tell me there's no other one
jesus was an only son yeah
tell me I'm the chosen one
jesus was an only son for you

despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

tell me I'm the only one
tell me there's no other one
jesus was an only son for you

and I still believe that I cannot be saved
and I still believe that I cannot be saved
and I still believe that I cannot be saved
and I still believe that I cannot be saved

Smashing Pumpkins

Pete and Repeat

It's been seven months since my last confession...no...wait, seven months since I finished nursing school. I am getting to the place where I don't get physically ill from the anticipation of going to work. Nursing school I just gutted out with my eyes closed, but this...this actual caring for the infirm stuff. Madre de Dios. The buck plops right in my lap. One morning I got home and was completely hashed. I had gotten teary eyed and a little gaspy when I was out the hospital doors and tasted my first breath of fresh air in 13 hours. My husband and I talked. He wanted to know why I was struggling so much. He asked me, "Didn't you learn everything you needed to know in nursing school." My answer to him and the world in general is, "Hell no, not even close." It would be nice to have an internship and residency program of some sort before nurses take other human being's lives in their hands. Basically I got 3 weeks of orientation and off I went. "Here's your code to the controlled substance dispenser and a drawerful of insulin syringes and how many extra shifts can you work this week." Trial by fire -- only it's the patients that get blistered.

Anyway, I'm just barely starting to inch my head out of outer darkness, or lower darkness, or whatever nice way there is to call my ass. I look inside, both while in darkness and with a little light shining and I see nothing. The huge gaps of time in my past are bigger. There's so much I don't remember, so much I can't tease out about myself. I just plain confuse myself. So, I thought that I would start blogging old journal entries. I randomly pulled one out and started looking through it and damned if I wasn't feeling the same thing in 1988 that I do in 2006. Same problems within myself. Same angst. Same. Same. Pete and Repeat.

P.S.

Oh my. The temptation to edit old entries may be too much. Is to leave them be to set them free? I don't know if I like who I was in 1988. I don't know if I want anyone else to see that I was, as one therapist described me, a Libertine. So, to edit or not? How does anyone ever write an autobiography. Ouch!

Lost, but Alas, No Dr. Jack.

Nursing school has been over for a month. I am completely stripped...of emotion...of compassion...of patience...of my resilience. I remember writing at some point that I felt like Bilbo: "Thin, like too little butter spread over too much bread." The butter is long gone. The bread is stale and moldy. Even the rats don't want to nibble it.

My brand new, exciting, wonderful life is stretched out before me and (pardon the horrible analogy) I feel like I've been freed from Birkenau and told to, "don't worry, be happy and get on with it." I am not able right now. I am weighed down with smothering darkness and it presses and presses and grinds and grinds. I feel no sense of accomplishment. I feel no joy. I think only God understands how tired I am, and I won't let him near me.

Someday We'll Be Free

My mother left today to drive the five hours back to her home. She calls it her nest. I call it going to ground. My mother wants to have better relationships with her children and grandchildren, but doesn't want to do it in our world. She is retreating back to her 5 acres; back to her bed and her half-gallons of ice cream and satellite television. She is a broken women, confused and worn out by her life. Was she born a prisoner or did she live her way into her cell one decision at a time? In the end, will it matter? It is the third day for her. Her spirit is broken.

I am bouncing all over the emotional map: disgust, fear, grief, compassion, dissapointment, and fear:fear::FEAR! This woman is in every cell of me and it takes so much energy to daily distill the dross from the gold. I stare down the crazy cat lady in myself every day; the cat lady person that my mother is becoming (except all of her cats have died).

Heard this today. Wish my mother could hear it and take it to heart. If I sent it to her she'd read something bizarre into it, so I won't bother. I'll just listen to it again and continue to love her while being ambivilent with myself and look forward to the day when she is free of this world.

Someday We'll All Be Free
(Donny Hathaway)

Hang on to the world
As it spins around
Just don't let the spin get you down
Things are moving so fast
Hold on tight and you will last
Keep your self respect
Your womanly pride
Get yourself in gear
Keep your stride,
Never mind your fears
Brighter days will soon be here
Take it from me
Someday we'll all be free

Keep on walking tall
Hold your head up high
Lay your dreams right up to the sky
Sing your greatest song
And you'll keep growing, growing on
Take it from me
Someday we'll all be free
I said just wait and see
Someday we'll all be free
So just you keep walking
And you take it from me
Someday
Someday
You and me
We'll all be. . .
Free. . .

Wisdom from Peace #1

Say what you want about the internal combustion engine, driving in the car with my children has provided a spectrum of interesting moments. Peace is ten now and it is interesting to listen to him as his brain is going through it's next series of changes. He is busy tackling some of life's oldest and biggest philosophical conundrums and he really doesn't see why people have had such a hard time with them over the years. So far he has the tree falling in the forest thing figured out, as well as the chicken and the egg controversy. I throw in a comment or insight here and there, but mostly I just let him enjoy the satisfaction of feeling like he has the world figured out. His little womb of intellectual warmth and security will rip itself open soon enough.

Yesterday, as we drove to my sister's home we had the following approximate conversation:

"Mom, I was thinking today that our family is in the perfect spot."

"Really?" I replied. "What do you mean by perfect spot."

"Well," he said, "we're not rich and we're not too poor."

"And why is it good not to be those things?"

"Rich people don't have any problems and people who are too poor have too many problems. We don't have too much money but we're not too poor, so we have just enough problems to keep us going."

Hmmmmm. I don't think I could have said it much better myself. I'm going to call Alan Greenspan tomorrow.

Stupid Nursing Trick #1

Getting nose to nose with a confused, agitated, restrained, pissed-off patient on a vent and yelling this at them: "CALM DOWN. DO YOU HEAR ME?? YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!!!! MR. XYZ YOU NEED TO STOP MOVING AROUND!" Yeah. That's going to work.

The Anxious Empty

Part of the cycle of my brain since ever I can remember. Fight or flight. Anxiety. Fatigue. Wariness. Fear. Sadness. All at the same time. Why? I feel so deeply hollow and tight at the same time.

The Cortado Maneuver

You've got your Valsalva maneuver and your Heimlich maneuver. Now, I present the Cortado maneuver, developed by myself in my own imagination to ease my frustration when I see an 89 year old man in ESRF on round-the-clock dialysis who is not DNR/DNI and not coherent enough to speak for himself.

The Cortado maneuver is performed thus:

1. The care provider places the dominant hand over the patient's mouth, applying pressure gently until an airtight seal is obtained.

2. The thumb and the index finger of the nondominant hand are placed on either side of the nares, pinching them shut.

3. Pressure/pinching is applied for a minimum of 180 seconds, with 300 seconds being the optimal amount of time for application.

~~~~~~~~~

I walk in his room. He is lying there; masked, cathed, and perfused to beat the band. His eyes are wide, classic deer-in-the-headlights. He's stared like that all night. Clicks, beeps, murmuring nurses, alarms. Family at home. MD somewhere else in the hospital. Is this how it's supposed to be??

A Decade In...I Have Arrived.

I became a parent 10 years and about a month ago; May 25, 1995. I hope that next year I'll finally have time to journal through those years and the path of parenthood I've been on. It would be kind to say that at times I've been ambivalent about being a parent. It intimidates me. It scares me. It drives me to new levels of humility. Often I wish I hadn't gone that direction.

Yesterday, yet again, Peace sliced away the excess fat of my parenting neurosis. With strength and sincerity he reordered my priorities and refocused my perspective. I'm just glad I was smart enough to listen.

Story Shell Game

As I drive into work every Saturday evening I enjoy listening to Prarie Home Companion. That evening�s drive is always total enjoyment. The reason why has finally filtered into my conscious brain: it reminds me of the times when my extended family would get together and settle down into serious, marathon story swapping. I loved being a fly on the wall and listening. There was warmth during those sessions, warmth and laughing and connection.

I have none of that for my children. My life feels cold and sterile to me. I don't know where my stories are. How do I pull them out? Do I want to? Should I trust the huge holes in my memory and just let them be? I have a lot to think about once school is over; a lot to sort out. School has pulled my cranium out of my okole, and that is a subject for an entire new entry.

Time (Croci) Wait for No Man

My favorite little trumpeters of Spring have pushed up through the layers of dead stuff that I still haven't cleared out from last Fall. I'm always surprised when I walk out this time of year and see my croci. Winter never seems to last long anymore. The warm months seem to go on and on. Am I getting older, is the planet warming, or is my sense of time just totally screwed.

So, the croci bloom, Spring Break looms, and the year is already zooming by. Don't know quite what to think, how to feel. When this year is over, I sincerely hope that school will be over also...but my boys are growing so fast and they aren't going to wait for me to catch my breath.

Bad Nursing Student, Bad Bad!!

Managed to be late for all four Psych Clinicals this semesters. Yes. All four. So, as a result I was given the opportunity to write an extra paper on TIME MANAGEMENT. I'm 47, a full-time wife, full-time mother, work full-time, go to school full-time, have ADD and my instructor wants a paper on time management. Sigh. Whatever. Here is my effort:

"ADVENTURES IN ADD TIME MANAGEMENT

Time means something different to people with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Within this group of individuals time is not experienced in the same way from day to day or even hour to hour. To them, time does not unfold as a linear event. Sometimes there are so many things calling to be done, so many things jumping up and down for attention that the ADD brain just stands stock-still and vibrates. Other times, one thing is just so incredibly fascinating that time and awareness of anything more than six inches away just fades out for hours. And at other times, time is supposed to suddenly be expandable and allow itself to be stuffed with three times the allowable amount of activities.

This is my life. I have ADD. Time is not the same for me as it is for people without ADD. Time is not even the same for me from day to day or hour to hour. When I was young everyone thought I was so pleasant because I just floated along in my own little dream world, but as I grew older and I was expected to follow through with growing responsibilities, problems developed. I started being labeled a person that didn’t follow through, that did things half-baked, a procrastinator, a great planner/lousy implementer, someone who would be amazing if she could just get her stuff together. Granted, people loved me. They thought I was incredibly bright and fun but such a sad case, so much wasted potential. Sad, sad woman.

So…what? Do I live out my days in mediocrity? Do I wear the label proudly and expect the world to make an exception for me? Should everyone just smile when I’m 5 (10, 15) minutes late because I had to do just one (two, three, or) more things before running out the door. Is ADD time management an oxymoron? Simply said, no. There are methods and tools. There is hope.

I’ve read several time management books over the years and even taken several time management courses. I knew I had a problem but couldn’t quite get what those linear people were telling me to do. I have tried various planners over the years and they have all quickly fallen by the wayside. I would get frustrated with them I lose them and go back to winging it. It is plain now and I have to admit and accept that the time for winging it is over. Whether a day planner is fun or not, it must be done.

Yesterday I found some helpful insight and tips in an article by Lew Mills, PhD, LMFT at http://www.millsconsulting.com/MFT/timeorganize.html. He stated three “nuggets” that I appreciate:

1. Know yourself and work with who you are.
2. Keep it simple.
3. Don’t fight yourself.

I think I’ve made progress on number one over the years. I already accept that I’m not Martha Stewart, Norman Vincent Peale, or Stephen Covey. I am just Kathleen. I have good days and bad. I have stock-still vibrating days and amazing get-a-million-things-done days.

I like things simple and straightforward. I was trying to make progress towards simplicity until I started back to school. Now my life seems to be wound up into the stratosphere. Nugget number three is the subject of an entirely new paper that I hope I don’t have to write anytime soon.

Everything that I have read in the past for general time management and in the past few days for ADD time management has a day planner as its base. All the scraps of paper, notes scribbled on pant legs, palms, note pads, etc. have to go away -- period. There can be only one place where your brain is organized. It can be a binder, a PDA, or a laptop but there can be only one. Especially important for a person with ADD is the concept that everything is written down or entered into the planner. Everything. Nothing is “remembered”.

Once you have a system that you are comfortable with, use it and refer to it frequently. This is the hard part for me. I love to buy the nice, new leather binder and pick out all the pretty dividers and pages. Then I can spend hours fussing with it: changing this, moving that. Then in a few days I get busy and it gets pushed aside and forgotten. Upon review, I like the Franklin-Covey method of sitting down with the planner in the morning to review the coming day and in the evening to review what happened and what’s coming up. I think that taking that time for myself twice each day will increase my focus and reduce my panic. And really, writing all those goals, tasks and appointments down and then never looking at them is just, well, silly.

Another important time management skill is the ability to prioritize. Any system can be used, i.e. 1, 2, 3 or A, B, C and so on. What is important is that you become aware that not everything can be or needs to be done at the same time. Huge or overwhelming tasks can be broken up into smaller, more manageable tasks. Unpleasant tasks can be moved to the top of the list to be dealt with or interspersed with something rewarding. All three of Dr. Mills’ nuggets really come into play here. Knowing how you work best, keeping your prioritization simple and not beating yourself when every day doesn’t go perfectly will help keep the whole process moving forward. During the morning and evening planning time tasks can be checked off, reprioritized, rescheduled, or removed.

Another tool for individuals with ADD that lose time (space out) is a vibrating alarm in a wristwatch or PDA. When the alarm vibrates you know its time to refocus, check your planner, or head out the door for an appointment.

While I occasionally lose time, my issue is often a case of one-more-thing-itis. I have everything ready to go in plenty of time to leave but then I have to do just “one more thing” before I leave: throw in a load of laundry, make the boy’s bed, throw a ball to the dog a few times, put the snow shovels in the garage, etc. Suddenly, instead of ten minutes ahead I’m five minutes behind. So, my solution is to now let all those “one more things” wait until I get home. The last few days it has taken some force of will to just walk out the door but my coworkers have been pleasantly surprised when I walk in the door a few minutes early. It’s nice for me but I am afraid that the dog is a little sad."

I ended with some kind of wrap up paragraph. It was lame. I feel lame. One of my study partners read it and told me I was a total and unrepentant kiss-ass. I think I'm just incredibly insightful. And so it goes.

Just Because

Just because we can keep a loved one alive, doesn't mean you should. Just because we can keep you alive doesn't mean we should.

Mentor and Me

Ever since I can remember I've wanted a mentor; someone I could emulate, someone who could cushion me. Sometimes the urge is stronger than others. At times I've latched onto a particular author or been hooked by a rock lyricist. No one ever lasts. No one person's total philosophy ever holds up for me. So, approaching my middle age I have made my own philosophical patchwork quilt that keeps my mind warm most of the time. I really want to say more about this but have been at work 10 hours already and can't string the words together. More later. I guess this comes up because I'm finally listening to The Da Vinci Code and I am amused and confounded at how much energy human beings spend on things that do not matter. If we would spend all that energy just being simple and good in all aspects of our lives, what would life be like? Imagine.

Reading List

Asked friends and coworkers to let me know some of their favorite books. Some responded with books from their childhood. Some with books that have been life changing. Some with books that just make them feel good.

I was suprised and pleased with the results. I'm always looking for additional titles, so please feel free to add to the list.

A. J. Langguth, Patriots: The Men Who Started The American Revolution
Agatha Christie, assorted titles
Alan Paton, Cry the Beloved Country
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The First Circle
Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo/The Three Musketeers
Alice Walker, The Color Purple
Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club
Andre Previn, No Minor Chords
Anita Stansfield, First Love and Forever
Ann Rice, multiple titles
Anne Frank, The Diary of Anne Frank
Anne/Charlotte/Emily Bronte, multiple titles
Annie Dillard, An American Childhood/Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential
Antoine de Saint-Exuprey, Wind, Sand and Stars
Antonia Van Loon, For Us The Living
Anya Seton, Katherine
Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha
Ayn Rand, Anthem/Atlas Shrugged
Barbara Delinsky, no titles specified
Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees/The Poisonwood Bible
Barbara Michaels (Elizabeth Peters), no titles specified
Barbara Park, Junie B. Jones
Beryl Markham, West With the Night
Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn/Joy in the Morning
Brian Bates, The Real Middle Earth : Exploring the Magic and Mystery of the Middle Ages, J.R.R. Tolkien, and "The Lord of the Rings"
Brian Lumley, Necroscope series
Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One
C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia/etc.
Caleb Carr, The Alienist/The Angel of Darkness
Carl Hiassen, no titles specified
Carol Berkin, First Generations: Women in Colonial America
Carolly Erickson, Bloody Mary (about Mary Tudor)
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities/Great Expectations/etc!!!
Christine Feehan, no titles specified
Christopher Polini, Eragon
Colleen McCullough The Thorn Birds
Connie Willis, Doomsday Book/To Say Nothing of the Dog
Cori Tenboom, The Hiding Place
Dan Baker, Cameron Stauth, What Happy People Know
Dan Brown, Digital Fortress/The Davinci Code/Angels and Demons
Dave Barry, multiple titles
David E. Stannard, American Holocaust: The Conquest of the New World
David Eddings, Belgariad/Mallorean series
David Guterson, Snow Falling on Cedars
Dean Koontz, multiple titles
Diane Gabaldon, Outlander series
Dick Francis, Blood Sport
Dr. Phil McGraw, Self Matters
Dr. Seuss, The Sneetches
Edith Hamilton, Mythology
Edward Rutherfurd, Russka/Sarum
Emily Dickinson, Collected Poems
Erich Maria Remarque, All Quiet on the Western Front
Esther Hautzig, The Endless Steppe
Frank Herbert/Brian Herbert, Dune series (including prequels)
Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis
Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment
G.A. McKevett, no titles specified
Gavin De Becker, The Gift of Fear
George Orwell, Animal Farm
George R. R. Martin, Song of Fire & Ice series
Gerald N. Lund, The Work and the Glory series
Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
Helen P. Hoyt, The Jeweled Cross
Henry Eyring, Reflections of a Scientist
Hugh Douglas, Flora McDonald, Heroine of the Highland
Hugh Nibley, Approaching Zion
Iris Johansen, no titles specified
J. Belinda Yandell, Small Change: The Secret Life of Penny Benjamin
J.D. Robb, In Death series
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter series
J.R.R. Tolkien/Christopher Tolkien, The Hobbit/The Lord of the Rings/related books
James Clavell, Shogun
James Loewen, Lies My Teacher Told Me
James Michener, The Source
James Patterson, Kiss the Girls
Jan Karon, Mitford series
Jane Austen, multiple titles
Janet Evanovich, no titles specified
Jared Diamond, Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
Jean Auel, Clan of the Cave Bear series
Jefferson Mack, Running a Ring of Spies
Jennifer Cruisie, no titles specified
Jim Butcher, Dresden Files
Joanna Lindsey, no titles specified
Joanne Greenberg, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
John Grisham, A Painted House
John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany/The World According to Garp
John Jakes, Heaven & Hell/Love & War/North & South
John Saul, The Blackstone Chronicles
John Steinbeck, multiple titles
Jude Deveraux, A Knight in Shining Armor
Judy Blume, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
K.P. Yohannan, Revolution in World Missions
Karen Marie Moning, Highlander series
Ken Follett, Pillars of the Earth
Khassan Baiev, The Oath
Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater
Lahaye & Dinallo, Babylon Rising series
Tao Te Ching, Lao-tzu, trans by Stephen Mitchell
Laura Antoniou, The Marketplace series
Laura Esquivel, Like Water for Chocolate
Laureel K. Hamilton, Meredith Gentry series
LayHaye and Jenkins, Left Behind series
Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events series
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina/War and Peace
Leon Uris, multiple titles
Linda Howard, no titles specified
Lindsay McKenna, no titles specified
Lloyd C. Douglas, The Robe
Lori Foster, no titles specified
Louise Erdrich, The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse
Lowis Lowry, Gathering Blue
Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves
Magnus Magnusson, Scotland: The Story of a Nation
Mario Puzo, The Godfather
Marion Zimmer Bradley, The Mists of Avalon
Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn/Tom Sawyer/etc.
Martin Cruz Smith, Rose
Martin/Gracia Burnham, In the Presence of My Enemies
Mary Beth Norton, Liberty's Daughters: The Revolutionary Experience of American Women
Mary Higgins Clark, no titles specified
Mary Kurlansky, Salt: A World History
Mary Roach, Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers
Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are
Micah & Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks with My Brother
Michael Shaara, The Killer Angels
Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet On Your Way to Heaven
N. Brysson Morrison, Mary Queen of Scots
Nabakov, multiple titles
Natalie Babbitt, The Search of Delicious/Tuck Everlasting
Nelson Demille, By the Rivers of Babylon
Nevil Shute, A Town Like Alice
Orson Scott Card, The Ender series
Paul Fleischman, Seedfolks
Pearl S. Buck, The Good Earth series
Ray Bradbury, Collected Short Stories
Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Rigoberta Menchu, I, Rigoberta Menchu
Roald Dahl, The BFG/James and the Giant Peach
Robert Bolt, A Man For All Seasons
Robert Browning, The Ring and the Book
Robert Jordan, The Wheel of Time series
Robert Lewis Taylor, The Travels of Jamie McPheeters
Robert Ludlum, The Bourne Identity
Robert Thurston, The Jade Phoenix series
Roberta Latow, Three Rivers
Robin Cooke, no titles specified
Ronald McNair Scott, Robert the Bruce, King of Scots
Shannon McKenna, no titles specified
Sharon Creech, Walk Two Moons
Sheri Dew, no titles specified
Slavomir Rawicz, The Long Walk
Stephan R. Donaldson, Thomas Covenant series
Stephanie Barron, Jane Austin mystery series
Stephen E. Ambrose, Undaunted Courage
Stephen King, The Stand
Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees
Sun Tsu, The Art of War
Susan Cooper, The Dark Is Rising series
T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land
Tami Hoag, no titles specified
Terry Cole-Whittaker, What You Think of Me is None of My Business
Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge
Tony Hillerman, no titles specified
Trevanian, Shibumi
Ursula K. LeGui,n A Wizard of Earthsea/etc.
Victor Hugo, Les Miserables
W.B. Forbush, Fox's Book of Martyrs
Wilkie Collins, The Moonstone/The Woman in White