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September 1, 2004
To My Supposed Molester
Dear whomever:
What did you do to me and why? What was it inside you that saw me as prey? Who saw you as prey? How far back does the predation go? Or are/were you just born evil? Will you ever understand how you have dissected me spiritually, emotionally? If you did, I doubt that you would care. It would probably give you more pleasure, more satisfaction. Do you realize that the evil in you now lives in me. That I wake up every morning and see the evil possibilities in myself and choose to walk the other direction. I'm tired of making that choice every day. Tired. Do you make that choice or do you just continue on down that path? No amount of therapy or drugs or prayer or silent screams at midnight will ever glue the pieces of my mind and spirit back together. For this life, the breach/the break/the dissociation is permanent. I will never be whole. And I don't want to hear anyone's crap about how things will heal in time. That I need to do something "good" and nurturing for myself every day. I do do something good and nurturing for myself every day. I leave the gun in the closet. I leave the knife in the drawer. I leave the pills in the bottle. I keep the car on the road (and the hose out of the exhaust). Is it not enough nurturing to go on living another day? Go on living until life or God or circumstance decide that I am finished with this ridiculous life of mine?
If I ever remember who you are, what will I do? If I ever remember what you did, what will I do? What to do? What to do? What to do with myself?
Most Sincerely,
The Little Girl
Posted by swift at September 1, 2004 6:14 AM