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September 12, 2004
Brain Cocktail Update
Finally got myself ramped up on the Topamax sometime in the Spring, in the midst of my mother's festival of open heart surgery. Lost lots of weight, that was lovely, but the synapses just didn't snap. I think the hardest thing for me was I couldn't think of the words I wanted to say during a conversation. I've always loved words; the feel, the sound, the meanings, the power. My brain was just moving too slow. I had trouble tracking tasks and doing much of anything constructive. For someone with an underlying desire to lie in bed all day and wander around her mental fantasy land, this was not helpful.
So, nursing school was going to start in ernest in May. I waffled back and forth for a while -- mainly because I liked being thinner and because I had the spectre of a major car accident hanging over my psyche. Finally I just stepped off the cliff and ramped myself down. By the time I started Summer semester classes, I was off the juice.
So, how am I now, in September?? Fatter and happier and back to my endlessly chatty self. Don't know why but my moods seem more stable, at least to me. School may have something to do with my moods also. Learning has always empowered and strengthened me? So...is it Topamax residual or is it school?? Only my neurons know for sure, and they're not letting on.
Posted by swift at 6:33 AM
September 11, 2004
Fear. Madness. Denial, Oh My!
Found this buried in an email I sent to myself a year ago, 6/17/2003.
The lonliness rises and falls. And the fear along with it. Do I hold back from even those that I love most on purpose? Is it something I can change or is it a part of my essential makeup, like the color of my eyes? Why do I fear? Why? What do I fear? The fear is primal. I don't understand it, it just is. I live a life of fear. It is who I am. Fear of discovery. Fear of pain. I watched Tears of the Sun this weekend. Movies like that make me want to arm myself with weapons, with anger, with no mercy. I want to turn into an animal mother that will defend her babies with her teeth and her claws and her cunning. But teeth and claws cannot defend against humans who believe they have a divine purpose. Can they, can I? What good is cunning against madness. Once again I don't understand this world. Why did I choose to come here? What was I thinking? As a spirit, could I have comprehended the horror of this life? What was I thinking when I chose?
I live a life of denial. I want to change but I don't. I withdraw into worlds and lives of fantasy to avoid the pressure of the need to change. And I find myself lacking. I hide. I lack. I hide. I lack. I watch Oprah and feel like shit. Despite my purported lack of self-esteem, I had thought I would do great things. I have done nothing in my life of any consequence but breed. And, I can't even nurture my own offspring. I'm afraid of them. I afraid for them. I fear. I dread. I shrivel. I sleep.
Posted by swift at 6:10 AM
September 7, 2004
Folk Alley
Posted by swift at 12:50 AM
September 1, 2004
To My Supposed Molester
Dear whomever:
What did you do to me and why? What was it inside you that saw me as prey? Who saw you as prey? How far back does the predation go? Or are/were you just born evil? Will you ever understand how you have dissected me spiritually, emotionally? If you did, I doubt that you would care. It would probably give you more pleasure, more satisfaction. Do you realize that the evil in you now lives in me. That I wake up every morning and see the evil possibilities in myself and choose to walk the other direction. I'm tired of making that choice every day. Tired. Do you make that choice or do you just continue on down that path? No amount of therapy or drugs or prayer or silent screams at midnight will ever glue the pieces of my mind and spirit back together. For this life, the breach/the break/the dissociation is permanent. I will never be whole. And I don't want to hear anyone's crap about how things will heal in time. That I need to do something "good" and nurturing for myself every day. I do do something good and nurturing for myself every day. I leave the gun in the closet. I leave the knife in the drawer. I leave the pills in the bottle. I keep the car on the road (and the hose out of the exhaust). Is it not enough nurturing to go on living another day? Go on living until life or God or circumstance decide that I am finished with this ridiculous life of mine?
If I ever remember who you are, what will I do? If I ever remember what you did, what will I do? What to do? What to do? What to do with myself?
Most Sincerely,
The Little Girl
Posted by swift at 6:14 AM