« July 2004 | Main | September 2004 »
August 23, 2004
Lost Weekend
The boys spent the weekend with their cousins. I took the weekend off of work. My husband and I were alone -- in our house -- for the entire weekend!! It was blissful. We didn't do anything spectacular except spend time together. This was the second time in 9 years we've had that much time. It was good to remember some of the thing about my husband that infatuated me in the beginning. 'Twas marvelous.
Posted by swift at 5:10 AM
August 11, 2004
Every Day
Need to be here every day. Need to get out of my head. Need to write, even if it's ridiculous self-absorbed garbage. Just need to do it. I get so tired of hearing social gurus tell me that I need to take time for myself. Actually I'm tired of anyone who may tell me to take time for myself. Can't afford a massage or a vacation. Spouse flips when I spend money. So what? Just this. Just spilling out whatever is going on.
So what is going on today? I am exhausted. The first real semester of nursing school and it kicked my ass. I barely cracked a book. I just made it on listening to lectures and past experience. And...I feel scummy about doing so well in school without putting out more effort than I did. Is this not the story of my life?? (Maximum result with the minimum of effort.) What am I gaining out of it? On the other hand, every single day I feel like I'm dancing on the edge. The brain is always going. The feet are always dancing. I have to wonder if I have any grasp of me, what I'm really doing, what my strengths are, why I'm able to do what I'm able to do. I certainly have my list of weaknesses burned into my chest -- in big, red, flashing letters. Can't forget those weaknesses can we?? No sir!
Why after all this time do I have no clue as to my goodness or baseness? Why? Why after all this time do I feel that I don't have a good handle on who I am? Am I a princess? Am I a slob? Am I slimy, slanderous, and calculating? Am I wounded and damaged and doing one hell of a bang up job considering what I have to work with? I want to know. I want to understand my truth. In my soul, I know that it's possible, but am I willing to make the sacrifices it would take to reach that enlightenment. I think that I am swathed in laziness. I think that while I want to see my truth splashed up on that big screen, I am huddled down in my seat with my hands over my face, only able to peak a little. Do I really want to look at my own gore?
I've always believed that truth is a force of nature, like gravity. (Have I said that here somewhere already??) The truth cannot be changed or manipulated. It is what it is. That is what I want to understand: the am that I am.
Posted by swift at 4:40 AM