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April 9, 2004
Just Plain Numb
My mother went home today. She had been staying with us since the middle of January. She had neck surgery in January. Laid in bed, ate, and watched TV for six weeks. Got up to go home and threw a clot that should have killed her. Instead it lodged itself in her heart. She had open-heart surgery (heart/lung bypass) and spent another month getting over that.
I can't even begin to sort out the feelings, the frustrations, or the revelations that the last three months have dumped on me. Since I refuse to ever go to a therapist again it will probably take me years to understand what I felt and realized -- if ever.
The most glaring realization is how emotionally detached/insulated I am. I don't even know if that's the right description. When I was younger I felt like a tiny person inside a large robot. I felt detached from my own body; inside but not integrated. Over the years I've become more integrated but I am still very insulated. I feel things. I get angry (especially). I have tender moments. I get offended. I even have a little joy occasionally, but there is still this overriding feeling of insulation.
The detachment and insulation have their good points. I'm able to work in the ICU without losing my mind. They keep me protected, girded, prepared for the inevitable slap on the back of the head.
When I took my mother to the ER and things cascaded into the open-heart surgery, I tightened up more than I ever remember. I became completely numb and compassionless. I became the little girl who was under assault and had to disassociate. Most people who know me think I am the nicest, most loving and compassionate person on the planet. How do I jive that with the person at my mother's side? The person who would have been able to flip the switch on her respirator and felt the better for it. I do not (DO NOT!!!)
understand myself...and...I want to. How can I love her and also wish that she would just wander out into the desert to die?
Five or six years ago a friend of mine had me take the MMPI. I don't remember all the specific results, but he was suprised at my high score in the psychopathic part. That has always stuck with me and made me wonder even more about myself. It would be easy to use that superficial review to convince myself that I'm a big water balloon of insanity just waiting to burst. Now I'm thinking that that score may also mean that I think for myself and am willing to step outside the mores and challenge authority. Yeah. I like that a lot better than being on the verge of walking into McDonald's naked and shooting people. Much better.
Posted by swift at April 9, 2004 6:16 AM