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February 1, 2004
Killing Brendon
"The Surgeon General has determined that talking to Brendon while driving in the dark at high speeds can cause seizures in women." Or so it would seem for me. My brain continues to be an endless source of wonder, amusement, and disgust. Let's see, where did I leave off? Being an adult again? Snort! sigh yeah whatever. Once I got over the post holiday burn, I was feeling good. In fact I was feeling damn good. Positive, strong, dynamic...I think...if I remember correctly. What I didn't mention in the previous entry is that at some point in mid-December I tried to kill Brendon. At least that's become the joke. At least, I've turned it into a joke so I can talk about it, deal with it without punching a hole in the drywall. Because trying to kill Brendon has totally screwed me over. That is how I see it all at this point in time.
Once again, mid Decemberish, I was playing psych drug Russian roulette. Trying to moderate my rage or my mania or my bitchiness or my premenstrual dysphoric hysteria or whatever the hell goes on with me. The counselor and the NP thought I might have a (mild??) underlying bipolar disorder -- or not -- or maybe -- or not. Tried me on Topamax, a seizure drug which is also used as a mood stabilizer. I didn't care for it and didn't take it regularly. One day yes. One day no. One night yes. Not smart on my part. It made my brain feel fuzzy. My brain is already fuzzy.
Anyway, I worked four hours of a friends shift sometime before Christmas. Got off at 2300 and gave Brendon a ride home. Was doing about 80 mph down I-80, listening to him talk on in one ear, listening to the radio with the other, letting my brain do it's usual walk about. Suddenly Brendon is screaming like a banshee, my head jerks up and I see my car headed towards the void. How we got back onto the pavement, I don't know. Just did. Talk about a come to Jesus moment. Two minutes later we were trying to shake it off and act like I hadn't just about killed us both.
Couldn't get the incident out my my mind. I've fallen asleep at thewheel before. This was different. Talked to some nurses at work. Of course I got everything from brain tumor to alien abduction. Went to see my doctor, sent to a neurologists, holter monitor, labs, EEGs, pokes, pricks, prods. Result?? Baby has a seizure disorder. Mild, quiet, partial, nonfocal, nothing that anyone would really notice -- much like everything else about me. Probably had it my whole life. Great shift of life perspective yet again. Shit. Who in the hell am I? What am I? What is going on up in there?
Now have to take fuzzy Topamax every day for at least two years but at quadruple the dose. Now I have a fuzzy, wuzzy was a bear brain. Right as I start nursing school. Was a bear. Now that I bear this lovely official label of "DRAIN BAMAGED" the great, all seeing eye will not allow me to drive unless I am on said medication.
Keeping it all together and marching forward makes me very tired. Very tired indeed. I wish my body was as thin as my soul feels.
Posted by swift at 3:20 AM