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December 18, 2003
Twitch
Am I here to breed?
To bleed?
Or maybe I'm
Just a bead of sweat
Running down God's forehead?
The words roll and roil and boil. Pictures. Forces. Fist in my chest. Pressure behind my eyes. Hear myself breathing. The big cat paces back and forth in its cage. Tail twitches. Whiskers jump. Everything else just paces, paces, paces, paces. Always the word why, why, why, why and sometimes what. What. WHAT??? What am I supposed to be figuring out...remembering? Why can't I don't I won't I? And people want to know are you OK? Am I OK? Are you OK mom? wife? daughter? Are you OK my little blue collar worker with the college degree? Am I OK? NO. NO. HELL NO. I'M NOT. I'M NOT OK. And so what? So what? What absolutely muckscummin' graham cracker jammin' skull fractured difference does it make whether I'm OK or not? Look 'em in the eye and lie because honestly, I'm tired of talking about it. Just stuff it honey girl. Just tuck it down 'round all the other stuffing. The big cat will just pack it down tight as it paces, paces, paces...paces. Twitches. Jumps. A while back someone I work with told me that I was the most "normal" person they had ever met. (DAMN I'm good.) Pace, pace, pace, pace. Twitch-and-a-jump! An old therapist/co-worker of mine told me that he'd never met anyone that was as good at completely masking their mental state as me. (DAMN, I'm so very, very good.) So sad that I'm not as good as pulling out the stuffing as I am at shoving it in, eh?
What was I thinking trying to fit myself into this normal life? This life of husband, home, children, dog, yada yada yada, la la la? I haven't had a single normal day in my entire life. Wasn't a normal girl child. Wasn't a normal teenage creature. Nothing normal. Nothing ever never ever. Since I can remember I have worked so hard to be normal. So hard. So tired. So tired. Now my hard won normal life has me completely caged. If the big cat thought life was tight when I was younger, mmmmmm baby, it's really tight now. Pace, pace, pace, pace. Twitch, jump...and...SWAT!
Posted by swift at December 18, 2003 9:06 PM