December 14, 2003
Elephant Woman
How I hate this body. I had to have wanted it at some point before being born or I wouldn't be here. I hate it now. From almost the beginning it has been a source of pain, humiliation, fear, torture, disgust, ridicule and disappointment. I have never gotten used to this skin. Never belonged. I feel that I'm just renting it -- subletting maybe. By the end of most days I wish the real owner would just move back in and kick me out into the space time continuum. Floating would be nice. Just floating and thinking. Thinking and floating. Yeah. I could do that.
This body is awkward and never keeps up with where my head is at. It is too big and strong to be a woman's body and too big and weak to be man's body. However, my physical strength is the only thing I've ever liked about it. But the size, the size. I feel grotesque. I don't belong in 21st Century civilization. I belong behind a plow in Montana a hundred and fifty years ago. Or, maybe birthing early spring lambs in the Highlands of Scotland several hundred years ago. Something other than this teeny weeny woman life.
To compensate for feeling like the Elephant Man when I'm in public I stalk about like an entire chapter of the Hell's Angels is wrapped up in my skin. I guess it's just a continuation of the game face I began to develop in adolescence. Then, the cheerleaders barked as I walked by. Now, people just steer the hell clear as I walk by. If they feel the need to bark, they keep it to themselves.
The only comfort I've ever had is to go to that other place to a body that my mind has created. The body that fits my mind. That body is under my mind's control. Strangely though, that body isn't beautiful. That body is thin, granted, but painfully so. That body is strong, stronger than the one I have now. That body is tall, like the one I have now. That body is horribly scarred, like my mind, but unbowed. Now that I describe it, that body isn't very different than the one I have now but somehow it works better with my brain, my soul. I don't know why. Lately I've thought that one day I might just go to that other place and not come back. If the real owner of my body doesn't come back, I could just sublet my sublet.
Posted by swift at December 14, 2003 3:25 AM