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November 28, 2003
The drugs. The drugs.
It's the four shift weekend. Work sleep, work sleep. I've done the Ambien experiment in earnest and I think the results are conclusive. I sleep less but my mood is better. I seem to dream more without it. During the day today (yesterday?) I drifted from sleep and dreams to being groggily awake and dreaming. Very strange yet satisfying. So, I guess the Ambien goes away except in dire emergencies. I will miss my old friend. Time to wean and move on.
The new drug, can't even remember the name right now (Topamax), seems to be the missing brain chemical link. At least for the time being. I don't' know if I'll ever be done with psych med Russian roulette, but I'm actually having rational conversations with my husband for the first time in a long time. How interesting is that? I really have no idea how normal I am to those living outside my body. I seem to be an endless source of amusement to my co-workers. My children are not quite sure what to make of the lack of screaming rages, though they still think I'm crazy. They'll probably always think that. I always will be the eccentric Mom. That can't be helped.
The drugs. The drugs. I could go on and on. I don't know if I would medicate myself if I wasn't a parent. Maybe I still would. It's a hard call. My husband says he could handle me unmedicated but I think he's liking the saner more gentle me. I would like a few weeks alone to get used to this newly chemicaled brain. Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.
I feel medicated. My reactions are slower. My thinking is slower. Maybe this is how the normals feel and think. Kind of fluffy. It will take getting used to. I can focus and not explode but I don't know if I'm really me. Who would that be? Am I learning what I need to learn about myself when I use the drugs to control my rage and insanity?
Looking forward to this being the last night of work for a few days. Want to be home and get back to my nest. Need to continue to simply and eliminate and make it a place I really want to be. Thanksgiving is this week. I'm trying to work as much of the holidays as I can for the $$ and to reduce dealing with extended family crap during the holidays. That is the joy of working in the hospital. Blood, guts, and time and a half.
Posted by swift at November 28, 2003 1:28 AM