« August 1988 | Main | November 2003 »
September 14, 1988
To Have Never Existed
The last few weeks (months) have been very, very difficult. I feel out of control or I have tried to relinquish control over my mind and emotions. I see my life as a range from mediocracy down to failure and I want to give up my responsibility for myself. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. The strain of all of this is beginning to show on my face. I look strained and tired -- stressed. Told T that I didn't want to kill myself and I don't, because I know that doing that wouldn't eliminate me -- just move me to somewhere else with all my attitudes intact. Now that I exist there's no erasing me. What I wish is that I had never existed -- that my identity had never been formed --just nothing, nothing ever.
I know I've made personal progress, but wonder if that progress was to pull myself from one patch of quicksand to another, much larger patch that I'm too weak to get out of. I wish I knew what it was that keeps me going. Maybe I do have some of the hope that T talks about. The hope that I have that, when I wake up in the morning, something will be better. I guess if the sun comes up every morning, I can too. Somewhere in my mass of hopelessness and bitterness is something ...something.
Posted by swift at 3:05 AM