August 25, 1988
Big Cat Analogy, the 1st
I feel like a panther in a cage, trapped by my attitudes and decisions. Pacing, pacing, pacing.
Posted by swift at 2:54 AM
August 6, 1988
Devoured
My experience with M last night brought home to me how split I've become inside, and how hardened. I like to congratulate myself on the progress I've made in the past 10 years. I am stronger, more sure of myself, more outgoing, yet my lack of faith has devoured me. I am more cynical, bitter, and lack hope. My soul -- or spirituality -- has retreated somewhere and left a black hole inside of me which increasingly sucks my love and compassion for myself and others into it.
I've reached a point where I am so calloused in my realtionships with others that I expect no warmth or charity from them. We only come together at points where mutual rape is possible. Rape meaning the ability to get all I can out of a person or them out of me.
T says that I "awfulize." I don't doubt it, but does awfulizing account for my lost soul? The paragraph by Thomas Merton rings very true:
"We are in the condition of most of the world, the condition of men without faith in the presence of war, disease, pain, starvation, suffering, plague, bombardment, death. You just had to take it, like a dumb animal. Try to avoid it, if you could. But you must eventually reach the point where you can't avoid it anymore. Take it. Try to stupefy yourself, if you like, so that it won't hurt so much. But you will always have to take some of it. And it will devour you in the end" Thomas Merton
Posted by swift at 3:18 AM