Tiny Pineapple Nurse Book Collection

Just the words “soft furnishings” and “D.I.” together make me itch, in a cooties sort of way.

Granted, you can still find the occasional rare gem of a sofa in pristine condition–plucked from some octagenarian couple’s sitting room– covered in the original but still immaculate flocked turquoise damask. (Ames is now the proud owner of the lamp that went with this elegant “parlor set”). But more often “soft furnishings” is filled with saggy, rust-colored armchairs with grease stains on the arms and back, which are in turn full of saggy, weary husbands in dirty t-shirts and trucker caps, trying to fill the time while LaVerne paws her way through vats of mismatched silverware while keeping one jealous hand on the handle of her cart, in which rests a clever lacquered clock made from a log-slice with the words “Gone Fishin’!” toll-painted on the face and a leaping rainbow trout on the hour-hand.

Ah, yes. Fetid three-legged (â??leggedâ?? pronounced with two syllables, of course) couch land. Oh, I’ve experienced it; I just didn’t know the proper terminology.

Jenny, I have to say. You spin a tale like the raconteurs or bards of the bygone days. In the olden days (yes, I said it) the whole village would have gathered about the fire to hear you spin a fantastic yarn. Mind you, I don’t know if women were allowed to be balladeers, so you might have had to dress yourself as a man. Wait - you’d have had to have masqueraded as a “very pretty youth.”

Naw. Kate: don’t you remember a few years back when I tried the “boy cut” hair and ended up looking like David Gest?

More likely I’d have been burnt at the stake or drown on a dunking-stool for skipping through the woods naked on a summer’s eve, speaking in tongues (thanks to poorly regulated home-brewed medications) or bewitching small animals. Or maybe I’d have found refuge in the cloister. Although the thought of David Gest in a wimple is enough to make even the most stout-hearted Mother Abess abruptly and firmly bolt the doors to all novitiates.

I just noticed something. Apparently Nurse Emily is considering stealing “his heart right out from under him!” What’s his heart doing under him in the first place? Unless he’s the sort of guy who “wears his heart on his lower buttock” instead of “on his sleeve,” I think that the first order of business would be a basic physical with the company Dr., followed by some serious ultrasound work and perhaps a trip to the cardiologist.

So, I think it’s EXTREMELY awkward that the strapping young man’s name is Jordan…kind of like mine, and that he’s going after a girl named Emily…kind of like my sister’s. Blast my wretched boy’s name….

Boys name? I beg to differ.

• Jordan Berkow
• Jordan Elliott
• Jordan Fox
• Jordan Hinson
• Jordan Hunter
• Jordan Ladd
• Jordan Madley
• Jordan Valley
• Jordan-Claire Green

…to name but a few. None of whom could be mistaken for a boy.