I AM Jessica Biel, Part Two

Who am I kidding? What, precisely, is there that I need to mull over?

Just take a LOOK at her me:

I may very well have subconsciously purloined at least part of the following analogy, but I don't care. She appears I appear so luminous it's as if she's I've been swept by the faint iridescent magical dust of a thousand tiny faeries - each of them having left perfumed kisses containing a mélange of beguiling fragrance - every gentle caress redolent of the forest after rain and the subtle bouquet of fruit and blossoms.

In one fell swoop of whatever transmogrification or Freaky Friday magic is necessary, I would most GLADLY hand over to Ms. Biel the following:

• Twelve years


• The 1/2 inch height difference (I'd be shorter for THIS)


• However many additional pounds I carry - a special gift JUST for her


• My arthritis, asthma and all other festive health "issues" I will not itemize just now (they can be a SURPRISE)


• My whole wretched life wrapped up in a BEAUTIFUL bow (I can make a very nice bow)

I'll take her film career (I now realize that her very first film was that delightful little independent flick, Ulee's Gold - HER FIRST FILM). I'll take those offers for leads on Broadway. I'll take the money and what are no doubt very nice digs. And I'll CERTAINLY take this description:

Jessica Biel, with her striking good looks and wide range of talent, has become one of Hollywood's most sought-out actresses. Her television series acting debut on the WB's #1-rated show, "7th Heaven" (1996), has helped her emerge as a breakout star.

As a child Jessica initially pursued a career as a vocalist, performing in musical theater. Beginning at age nine, she starred in such productions as "Annie," "The Sound of Music," and "Beauty and the Beast." A natural beauty, Jessica soon turned to modeling and commercial work by competing in The International Modeling and Talent Association's Annual Conference in 1994.

After completing a year and a half of college at Tufts University in Boston, Jessica plans on going back to school in California for the remainder of her college years. In her spare time, she is involved with charities such as Best Friends Animal Sanctuary and PETA. Her hobbies include ballet, soccer, running, yoga and hiking with her dog "East." Jessica currently resides in Los Angeles.

I never watched Seventh Heaven and Annie makes me cringe a bit, but as a package, it's still a sweet, sweet deal.

She I can even carry off THIS:

As some of you may remember, my last two costumes (not counting the pink towel with questionable coverage) were "Crazy Cat Lady" and "Antarctica" (yes, the CONTINENT).

Grettir, since you're the one who made this shocking revelation, I think you should be the one to make this metamorphosis complete. Jessica I would be most appreciative. And, if I read the "rags," I'm sure I will find that I have already "moved on."

Yes, indeed, I am Jessica Biel.