Who hasn’t seen a movie on a friend’s recommendation only to find out that Summer Catch really didn’t meet up to Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s usual snuff? It may not be your friend’s taste that is questionable (or it may well be), but there may be mitigating circumstances that warranted the good review: time of day, expectations, basic mood, price, who the movie was seen with, quality of the theater, etc. I think that movie reviews that just give us three out of five stars, and thumbs up, or some strange numbering system should be abolished in favor of more descriptive methods that account for the variables.

Expectations: I generally trust my brother’s taste in movies. He has spot-on observations and sees pretty much everything that comes out. A few years ago, he was talking about how much he liked The Four Feathers (2002) starring Heath Ledger and Kate Hudson. I was extremely wary of the movie at first because Kate Hudson has only made one good movie in her life and Heath Ledger is… well, basically an Australian Val Kilmer. But he continued to talk about how much he liked Shekhar Kapur’s previous movie, Elizabeth, and how much he was pleasantly surprised by The Four Feathers. We rented the DVD on his recommendation, and it was awful! All 125 minutes of it! I should have paid more attention to the phrase “pleasantly surprised.” This indicated low initial expectations, a key to enjoying some movies. Since he had talked up the movie to me, I entered the movie with elevated expectations which could only lead to disappointment.

When I see a movie I want to know if I need high or low expectations to enjoy it.

Price: I worked in a movie theater for a few years. One of the perks was that I could see any movie in the area for free if I just called in ahead. I would also splice all the reels together when we first got a new film and would then watch the movie at 2am before it opened twelve hours later to make sure everything was OK. So I saw a lot of movies, and it was always free. People would always ask me for recommendations and I found myself advocating movies based on ticket price. “Oh, that’s a matinee movie, I wouldn’t pay full price.” “Wait until it comes out on DVD and make a friend rent it.” “I would definitely pay full price to see The Color of Paradise.” “Striking Distance isn’t even worth spending your time on. It’s not even fun to make fun of. Just painful.”

So I propose a system that takes price into account.

Time of Day: Our secretary at work asked me the other day what I thought of the movie, Hitch. I told her we found it entertaining, but nothing more. She said that she and her husband watched it and didn’t like it at all. So I asked her what time of day she watched it. She said that they didn’t start it until after midnight. There was the problem. Light-hearted, formulaic, Will Smith romantic comedies should only be seen before 11pm. That should go without saying. The same goes for Tarkovsky movies and anything over two and a half hours especially if you have to read subtitles. Conversely, some movies get better after 11pm. For example, the Grudge, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Conan O’Brien (OK he’s TV, but he just wouldn’t be as funny at 3pm).

Basically I want to know the optimum time to see a movie.

Other Factors: It’s helpful to know if a movie is best seen when depressed or thoughtful, or if a movie should be seen with a group of jovial friends so you can share inside jokes later. It’s also nice to know if I should hold out to see the movie at a nice theater with large seats and a booming sound system, or if I can see it at home on VHS without diminishing the experience.

Summary: I want a review system that compiles all of these features into easily gleaned symbols and tags.

For example:
• Expectations ↑ / Expectations ↓
• $12 / $9 / $6 / $5 / $3 / $1 / Free / Don’t Bother
• ideal viewing time < 11pm < ideal viewing time
• Mood You Should Be in: :-) (happy) / :-( (depressed) / :-| (serious) / :-o (in the mood to be scared) / :-x (in the mood for gory violence) / ;-> (date movie mood) etc.
• THX Theater / 1980’s theater / Drive-In / Home DVD / Home VHS / Home B&W TV