Our cat, Fran, needs to go to rehab. She doesn’t have an any of the normal cat vices. She’s opposed to catnip like a Quaker’s opposed to war. Tuna to her is like a smelling salt. She prefers dish or toilet water to milk. Instead she is held in the crafty clutches of seemingly benign objects. She cries day and night if we do not provide her with these “drugs.” She will follow us around the house meowing until we relent and give her a fix. The items are as follows:

Thing #1: String. This is her first and worst problem. Not just any string will do. She prefers the draw string that came out of my hoodie during the wash. She will pick it up, come into the room, drop it at my feet, and then meow until I pick up the string and play with her. If I hide it she will wander the house for days yowling until I pull the string out again and satiate her.

Thing #2: Is just, that - Thing #2. It came in a box of sugary breakfast cereal (the only kind I eat) as a Cat in the Hat tie in. Thing #2 is a small stuffed doll with wispy blue hair like a troll doll’s and velcro hands that seemingly only stick to its own buttocks. Fran will carry this around like her own personal doll. She’ll take Thing #2 into the bathtub and curl up with it nuzzled in the crook of her arm while lovingly licking its hair. Removing Thing #2 has the same effect as removing the string.

Thing #3: Maria’s hair. Fran will pounce on the bed at ungodly hours, prowl over to Maria’s hair, bury her head in it and purr maniacally. Fran’s positioning results in her booty plopping directly on my face as I sleep (this can be a very fragrant awakening). Fran then begins to knead Maria’s hair into an intricate system of knots while purring and drooling all over the pillow. This addiction extends to any of Maria’s hair related tools - Maria’s elastic hair holders (Fran will play fetch with these) and Maria’s hair brush.

At times we worry about Fran, but we are grateful that she’s low maintenance. She requires no store-bought trinkets, only our normal household items, and a lot of patience.

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