Tiny Pineapple

As a counterpoint to 100% Customer Satisfaction (which is, quite ironically, the #1 result on Google for that particular phrase right now), I’d like to share with you some examples of exemplary customer service that I’ve experienced recently. I do this somewhat hesitantly, because I wouldn’t want these establishments to be taken advantage of once people find out how accommodating they can be. But I think it’s important to recognize the companies (and, perhaps more importantly, the people) that get it right…without resorting to bloodshed.

So tonight I’d like to start with an email exchange that took place recently between me and the good folks at Veer.

To: Service at Veer
From: Grettir Asmundarson
Subject: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

I recently purchased a T-shirt from you folks:

• Item: Veer Sofa T-Shirt (VPR0001080)

I called before I ordered to ask about sizing/shrinkage and after talking with a sales rep I ended up ordering a medium. I have a 38” chest, so I’m on the low end of the medium range, but I wanted to leave enough room for shrinkage. When the shirt arrived, I tried it on and I was pretty sure that after it was washed it would be the perfect size. However, after washing the shirt in cold and drying it on low (which is even more cautious than the tag recommends), I now have a fantastic, fitted belly shirt that any adolescent girl would love. Unfortunately, I’m not an adolescent girl.

I’ve honestly never seen a T-shirt shrink that much in my life. And while it makes me feel quite manly and muscly to wear something so tight and fitted, I’m not sure the general public should be subjected to my bare midriff on a regular basis.

So, how can I go about arranging for a return/exchange? Or can I not return/exchange it because I’ve already washed it? Anyway, any help you can give would be appreciated…

Cheers,
Grettir

To: Grettir Asmundarson
From: Service at Veer
Subject: Re: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

Hello Grettir,

Thank you for your email and your wonderful sense of humor in the face of such shrinkage!!

We are very sorry that this happened with your product. To be honest, we haven’t heard of such severe shrinking happening with other men’s medium shirts we’ve sold, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen!

Of course we’d like to replace it for you, but my concern is that the replacement may have the same thing happen. Here are a few options for you to choose from:

1. We can send you a replacement Veer Sofa shirt (would you like to try an even larger size to start?)
2. We can send you a replacement t-shirt, perhaps in a different style.
3. We can call it a day and simply refund you for the shirt rather than take the chance the replacement may shrink as well.

Let me know how you’d like to proceed and I’ll make sure it gets done for you today.

Thanks again for your feedback and for being a good sport in the face of bare midriffs — We appreciate it!

Kind Regards,

Elescia
Customer Service Sales & Support
Veer
Visual Elements for Creatives
http://veer.com

To: Service at Veer
From: Grettir Asmundarson
Subject: Re: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

Yes, it is difficult to put on a brave face in the face of shrinkage, but I’m holding up OK. And after getting the opinion of a few of my more fashion-sense-enabled colleagues, they informed me that while it did shrink more than one would expect, referring to it as a “belly shirt” was probably overstating things. (I don’t know, though. I’ve only got about 1/2” of clearance and if I so much as inhale there is definite ab-age.) And they felt that a Large would probably be sufficiently long. Even if it shrank as much as the Medium, it would probably still give me an additional inch of modesty-assuring fabric below my waistline.

So, I think I’d just like to arrange to exchange my Medium for a Large, if that’s possible.

To: Grettir Asmundarson
From: Service at Veer
Subject: Re: Britney called. She wants her shirt back…

For you?

Of course! ;)

Look for a large Men’s Sofa t-shirt coming your way soon.

And if you know anyone with a slightly shorter torso that you can donate the shrunken shirt to, feel free! (But don’t make fun of them — that’s just mean.) Or if you ever want to show your midriff off around the house or at the gym…go for it!

Cheers, and have a great day,

Elescia
Customer Service Sales & Support
Veer
Visual Elements for Creatives
http://veer.com

Two days later I received not only a large, men’s Sofa T-shirt, but a Veer Logo Beanie and a Veer 2005 Calendar Planner, too. And shortly thereafter they added a small note below the T-shirt sizing chart:

* Women’s tees are shape-fitting girly sizes. Men’s sizes are snug-fitting too. You may wish to order one size larger than usual.

Well, as far as I’m concerned, Elescia deserves a big, fat kiss and/or raise (depending on Veer’s workplace sexual harassment and/or compensation policies) and a title change to Supreme Goddess of Customer Service and/or Liaison to the National Organization for the Abolition of Belly Shirts (NO-ABS).

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Note: Like the shirt? Download the desktop wallpaper. It’s called “Relax” and it’s about a third of the way down on the left.

My girls got RollerCoaster Tycoon 2 this past Christmas. It’s a great little simulation game where they get to create and run their own amusement park, but there’s more to it than just building rides. By playing the game, they are learning the basic tenets of business management and coming to understand the delicate balance that is required to run a successful business.

For instance, they get to set the price of admission to the amusement parks they build. If they charge too much, nobody comes; if they charge too little, they don’t have enough money for maintenance and expansion. They have to hire handymen to empty the trash, maintain the lawns, and keep the paths puke-free (I kid you not). They have to hire mechanics to keep the rides running. And they can even hire a guy in a large panda costume to walk around the park and entertain the people who are standing in line.

But if they don’t hire enough handymen, the park gets gross and people leave. If they don’t hire enough mechanics, the rides break down and people leave. And if they don’t hire the guy in a large panda costume, people get bored standing in long lines and leave.

And in the user manual it really emphasizes the importance of good customer relations:

Caring for Customers

The satisfaction of your park guests is probably your most vital concern. Happy visitors stay in the park, spend more money, and (through reputation and word of mouth) draw other guests to your site. Unhappy guests leave with cash in hand.

How do you know what your visitors are thinking and feeling? As manager, you have access to powerful polling and reporting tools that let you monitor the thoughts and actions of every guest in your park.

The other day, I walked into the office and Emma was engrossed in one of her amusement park creations.

“Hey, Emma, whatcha doing?”

“I’m just making sure everyone in my park is happy.”

That’s my girl. In many ways this type of game was tailor-made for Emma. In any activity, she always makes sure that everyone is feeling included and having a good time. She’s caring, conscientious, attentive to other people’s needs. She is my little Customer Service Representative.

And as I watched, my little Customer Service Representative used the Guest Summary Window to gauge the happiness level of all of the guests in her park. She then used the Mini-Map to zoom in on a particularly disgruntled fellow standing in line for one of the roller coasters.

She clicked on the Grab tool, picked up the unhappy patron up by the scruff of the neck, and carried him over to the small lake that housed the rowboat rentals.

Then, without the slightest pause, she let go. The dissatisfied customer landed in the water with a splash, bobbed on the surface for a few seconds, and then went under.

She then went back to the Guest Summary Window and started scanning the crowds again.

“Wha…what in the world are you doing, Emma?”

“I’m getting rid of all the people who are complaining.”

“But,” I sputtered, “I think the idea behind the game is that you’re supposed to find out why they’re complaining and then solve their problems.”

“Oh, I know why they’re complaining,” she replied.

“Why are they complaining?”

“They’re complaining because there are no bathrooms.”

“Then why don’t you build some bathrooms?”

“Well, I had some bathrooms, but I had to demolish them to make some room for a new ride.”

“Then why don’t you build more bathrooms?”

“I can’t. I used up the last of my money to build the ride.”

And so I watched as my little Customer Service Assassin made her way systematically through the park, looking for anyone else who had the gall to be displeased by the lack of facilities. And after the summary execution of about a half-dozen more urine-engorged malcontents, there wasn’t a single dissatisfied customer in the park.

I had to hand it to her. With a clear mandate to keep her customers happy, but without the budgetary resources necessary to meet their needs, she’d found another way to achieve 100% customer satisfaction.