The Tooth Fairy is No Fool
Zoe lost a tooth the day before yesterday and last night she received a dollar coin and a tiny stuffed bear from the Tooth Fairy. As she was going to bed this evening, she said, “Dad? Do you think if I put that same tooth back under my pillow that the Tooth Fairy would leave me something else?”
I suggested that trying to fool the Tooth Fairy might not be a wise course of action if she wanted to receive any dental reimbursements in the future, but she wanted to try it anyway.
Tomorrow morning, Zoe will find the following note under her pillow:
My Dearest Zoe,
After a thorough examination of the tooth under your pillow, I have determined that this is, in fact, the tooth for which I compensated you last night. According to Tooth Faerie Procedures and Practices, Volume 9, page 512, paragraph 3:
“The child may receive only one (1) gift per incisor, cuspid, bicuspid, or molar…”
Therefore, I am not authorized to leave you an additional gift this evening. But I do hope that you enjoyed the bear and dollar coin that I left last night and look forward to serving you again in the future.
Yours most sincerely,
The Tooth Faerie
Comments
chronicler
That is awesome!
s'mee
Pure genious. (From all three parties.)
Q
Can’t blame the girl for giving it a second try :) Is “faerie” male of female?
Kimball
I’m interested to know how the tooth faerie’s note was received by Ms. Zoe. Also interested to know if she’s planning additional systematic testing. I wouldn’t be too surprised if the ever-spinning wheels in that head are already working on alternative theses. Enlightenment welcome.
jenny
You guys have a good tooth fairy. Ours usually forgets the first night. Or two. And when he/she does finally remember and/or actually happen to have a dollar on hand, it’s received with a dull, disappointed, “Mom, the tooth fairy FINALLY left me a dollar last night. *sigh.*”
Abby asked me the other day if you get more money for molars–since they’re bigger–than you do for “baby teeth.” I replied that if the tooth fairy did in fact pay more for bigger teeth, I would by now have pulled out all of my own teeth with a pair of blacksmith’s pliers and would be filthy rich. Toothless, but filthy rich.
scott
That’s f-ing genius.
And two points for Jenny. Good ruck wif dat filfy witch scheme.
ames
What I want to know is: How exactly did you divine what the tooth faerie’s note said before he/she even left it? Huh? Answer me that one!
Last night Isabel asked Sam and me if Santa Claus is real. I patiently waited for Sam to answer that one (because I didn’t care to), and after a few seconds’ pause, he replied, “Why, he’s as real as real can be.”
For the rest of the night, Isabel and I mocked him for sounding like Papa Smurf.
Kate
I see. You are too POSH to have the AMERICAN Tooth Fairy come to your house. In that case, shouldn’t she leave a pound and a wee beare “poppet” instead of a dollar and a tiny stuffed bear (the Pound is worth more, anyway)?
Okay. Having never been off this Continent (besides being up in the air ABOVE it), I’m just jealous.
I WILL say this: WHY was the tooth still THERE? The AMERICAN Tooth Fairy always TOOK our teeth. I think we even had a special embroidered pillow with a tiny pocket just for the purpose of stowing that tooth to be TAKEN (this might be wishful thinking - I’ll have to confer with my siblings on that one). I’m just asking: How can you be compensated for something you still have?
P.S. Papa Smurf: That is really funny. However, to TRULY sound like Papa Smurf wouldn’t he have had to say, “Why, he’s as smurf as smurf can smurf!”?
jenny
Sam’s a coward. And so am I. I’ve been dodging that question for years now. When one of you finally works up the courage to give a straight answer, will you come over to my house and explain the whole thing to our children?
Pam
To the Santa question, I always answer a la Bill Clinton: “It all depends upon what your definition of ‘is’ is.” Thus, they don’t know what the heck I’m talking about and go back to whatever they were doing. Smoke and mirrors, baby.
Kate
Sheesh. You all have PATIENT, INNOCENT children. My siblings and I were evidently CONNIVING, SNEAKY and JADED children.
We were conspiracy theorists from quite a young age; we developed evolving hypotheses about the SC issue (and all other gift-givers of the “whimsical” ilk) and spread the gossip like wildfire amongst us. No one EVER had to break anything to any of us (and we didn’t ask “formally,” because we liked keeping up the premise).
As a matter of fact, we kept up mutually tacit agreements to certain holiday traditions for so many years that I remember my Mother asking, when I was twenty-two or twenty-three (and I’m estimating low for her sake - and not mentioning the fact that I probably lived somewhere ELSE at the time), “Would you feel bad if Santa Claus DIDN’T come?” Shirleen and her kids were going to be out of State, and I think she wondered briefly if it would be patronizing for the rest of us since fully HALF of her “KIDS” who would be there WERE ADULTS. And I think most of us had been “elves” for years.
Well, Virginia, he’s NEVER missed a year (then or since). And EVERYONE in the family, TO THIS DAY, gets at least stockings full of things from SC.
That’s absolutely no help, I know, but MY KITTEN CHILDREN GIVE ME CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. So I’ve not had to worry about it.
I will say this: the OPPOSITE of keeping your kids patient and innocent can backfire like crazy.
Consider this scenario: When her oldest son was FOUR-YEARS-OLD (bearing in mind that he IS philosophical and precocious), a friend of mine got on a kick where she decided she didn’t want to “perjure herself” to her children again (I’M CODING THIS COMMENT LIKE ALL YOUR KIDS WILL READ IT - HAVE YOU NOTICED?). So when he inevitably said something about SC she gave him this really long discourse about how Saint Nicholas was a real person who lived many centuries ago (on and on and on) and inspires us all by his spirit until this day. His reaction was very non-plussed; she was pleased with herself. Then she found out what he ACTUALLY got out of her lengthy clarification when they were riding in the car with a friend of hers. The friend asked him, “What is Santa bringing to you for Christmas?” He looked at her very calmly and said, “Santa Claus is DEAD!”
Kate
Volubility is, evidently, coded on the VERY SAME gene as patience and susceptibility. So I cannot help it.
jenny
He’s dead?! No wonder I haven’t gotten any presents lately. In the last 13 years. Since I got married.
Wait: So did he die in 1993?
Kate
It would have been 1999, if I recall correctly, because there seemed to be “partying” going on.
And, yes, Jenny, it is a conundrum. Like I said, he’s come to THIS house, every single year my Parents have lived in it, WITHOUT FAIL, bestowing stunning gifts on each person in attendance, whether single, married, divorced or somewhere in between (please don’t make me explain that). His death would make this seem…suspect, at the very least.
WAIT - I heard a song once that said something about how Santa Claus knows who is GOOD and who is BAD and distributes his bountiful good fun things accordingly. I don’t suppose you’ve received 13 YEARS’ WORTH OF COAL…
Somebody NOT Kate
Anything that seems SLIGHTLY vulgar, lewd or obscene (including double entendres) in Kate’s various and extensive comments is completely inadvertent.
Anything that seems DREADFULLY vulgar, lewd or obscene (including double entendres) in Kate’s various and extensive comments is most certainly inadvertent.
(Anything IN BETWEEN you can guarantee she did on purpose.)
jenny
Let me clarify: I haven’t gotten any presents BESIDES CHILDREN WHO WE ALL KNOW COME FROM THE STORK ANYWAY since 1993.
P.S. “Somebody NOT Kate” doesn’t seem to know you very well, Kate. That description just doesn’t sound like you at all…