Kate Reviews James Franco’s Performance in Tristan & Isolde
January 23, 2006
I was speaking with Kate yesterday about Tristan & Isolde, which she saw over the weekend, and this is how she summed up James Franco’s performance:
“I think that sometimes the ratio of hair poufiness to gauntness was too much.”
All requests for clarification should be directed to Kate, who can try at great length to explain the above statement but may find it nearly impossible to do so.
Also, the opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the management, who have not seen the film since they find the prospect of watching James Franco in a period piece to be much less appealing than staying home and folding laundry.
Comments
kylie
But watching James Franco in Freaks And Geeks, MUCH better prospect.
Pam
I think Kate’s comment makes perfect sense. It’s a girl thing.
grettir
Pam, it must be a girl thing because it doesn’t make any sense at all! For instance:
I must know.
Kate
I’m sure that we could come up with an suitable aesthetic construct using The Golden Mean (Golden Ratio) and Fibonacci Numbers, but I believe that women can INTUIT pleasing “Divine Proportions.” Hence I INTUITED times when the ratio of Mr. Franco’s hair poufiness to his facial gauntness was not the “golden ratio”; one factor or the other was sometimes completely out of whack (think Ronald McDonald getting really, REALLY thin but keeping his hair in it’s earlier EXTREME boufy incarnation - that’s just not pretty). Perhaps my senses in this respect were honed by my musical education, wherein we discussed the application of Fibonacci numbers and the “Golden Ratio” in composing and tuning. For instance:
We also discussed which composers utilized this aesthetic and/or Pythagorean paradigms.But I’ll have to get back to you about this. I will ponder it appropriately, I assure you.
ames
The ratio is self-evident. It cannot be defined or explained. Like pornography, “you know you it when you see it.” And most period films get it absolutely wrong, as I’ve contended before and will contend again.
Pam and Kate, I’m telling you: We need to hire our collective discriminating eye out to production companies. We’ll be like the hired “noses” in French perfumeries. They’ll parade their coiffed stars out and we’ll hold up our score cards marked “more pouf” on one side and “decrease the pouf” on the other. We’ll charge tens of thousands of dollars in consultation fees and become wealthy beyond belief!
jenny
Yeah. Speaking as one with an [unfortunately] perfect poof-to-poochiness ratio, too much poof + too little heft = an extra from “Welcome Back Kotter.” It’s definitely the pouf that’s the defining factor: curly/full hair and slight build alone do not irritability cause.
Take for example Orlando Bloom. Here we see the potential for the deadly ratio-imbalance; but the hair is kept long and pomaded enough that all is saved and he’s a tolerable watch. Contrast this with, oh, say Napoleon Dynamite, whose hair-to-heft ratio has clunked to rock bottom on the wrong side, and we’re left with immediate and continuing discomfort, even unfortunate amusement at inappropriate moments.
(Pssst! Hey, Ames! Can I be on the panel too? I could use a little extra egg money…)
Pam
Okay, here goes (this is like trying to describe the taste of salt, you know):
If the hair is:
1. Over, letâ??s say, 1 1/2 inches of pouf (even if the hair has been vigorously combed in an attempt to make it look like it’s lying flat)
2. Of a coarse, “Brillo pad” texture
AND if the man is:
3. So thin that his skin appears to be stretched tightly over his jaw bone, which is prominent enough to instantly call to mind Philistines running from a torqued Samson, weapon in hand.
THEN…
The hair overwhelms the body and makes the man appear top-heavyâ?Šas well as feminine. (Skinny body/poufy hair is [and rightly should be] a trait only of insecure women who shop for their clothes at Reams.) Thus, the Pouf-to-Gaunt ratio is too great in a man (for example, Mick Jagger).
See? Perfect sense.
(On the other hand, a man can also be more fleshy and still have too much pouf, for example, Conway Twitty, or the blond fellow of Brooks & Dunn. But that is another ratio all together. Such cases cannot be grouped in with Pouf-to-Gaunt.)
An example of the golden ratio (i.e., Hair-to-Weight, not to be confused with Pouf-to-Gaunt, which does not have a golden ratio, being that both poufiness and gauntness are undesirable traits) would be Mr. Brad Pitt, who has a lovely, although prominent jaw bone with skin that is not too tight or translucent, and hair that lies mostly flat, with only a hint of pouf. Also, Keith Urban. Also Johnny Depp. Also Patrick Dempsey (although he is teetering dangerously close to too much pouf).
Rules of thumb to avoid Pouf-to-Gaunt blunders (if you are an ectomorph by nature):
1. Never wear Wranglers.
2. Never use mousse.
3. If you have Brillo pad hair, do not attempt to grow it long. You will not succeed, and you will look like Side-Show Bob on the Simpsons.
4. Go eat at Hagermannâ??s on 114th South in Draper. It is SO YUMMY. My neighbor took me there today. (Itâ??s a bakery/sandwich place.) This will not change oneâ??s ratio; however, it will make you happy.
kate
kate
I should say that the film really isn’t THAT bad. I’ve only seen James Franco in a couple of films and found him to be completely inoffensive (I still maintain that he was an ARCHETYPE in the Spiderman movies, Grettir). Some of the cast is quite excellent. Sophia Myles is lovely (FYI, Grettir, she was evidently in Underworld:Evolution, too. I would have suggested that you were too blinded by Kate Beckinsale’s latex bondage-wear to notice her, but I didn’t recognize her, and I’d seen her in a movie only the previous evening). I really like Rufus Sewell - yes, he’s got the bug-eyes, but I still find him attractive. Young Tristan is played by Thomas Sangster, the little boy from Love Actually and Isolde’s maid is played by Bronagh Gallagher who was “Bernie” in The Commitments.
I do object to the fact that a John Donne poem figured prominently in the story (Isolde even reads it to Tristan from a BOOK). Yes, it’s a lovely piece, but John Donne lived from 1572 - 1631, and theoretically the film was set in the “dark ages” or “middle ages” after the Romans had abandoned Britain. Very few people could READ and even fewer owned BOOKS (which had to be tediously copied by hand - usually by monks). And poetry, in general, was still mainly bardic in its presentation. Also, though the “Irish language has one of the oldest vernacular literature and poetry traditions,” John Donne not only hadn’t been born at the time of this story, he was ENGLISH, and when Ireland was at war with all the tribes on Britannia, I doubt an Irish Princess would have been quoting ENGLISH poetry (that hadn’t even been written yet).
I think there was also far too much archery to be historically accurate, and the head of the Irish Army laced his sword with the poison from PUFFER FISH - and I swear he said something about “Japanese” puffer fish - these folks are hardly sailing back and forth between Ireland and England and he’s talking about JAPANESE puffer fish? It’s true that in many of the versions of the Tristan and Isolde legend that Tristan is wounded with a poison-laced sword, but even though different versions mention dragons and dragon tongues, dwarfs, all sorts of different possible relationships between King Marc and Tristan and Isolde, Tristan as a renowned harp player(?), tie-ins to Arthurian legend, white sails and black sails, love potions, etc., no one EVER mentions puffer fish.
Madilynn
You are all crazy, James Franco is the HOTTEST MAN ALIVE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WOLRD. He has the best adams apple, smile, laugh, and he also has the best hair. There is nothing wrong with his hair. It is way perfect. I am in love with him. :)
Kate
Dearest Madilynn,
You’re out there Googling James Franco and defending him against all thoughtless aggressors, aren’t you? That’s cute. Please don’t think I’m being demeaning; it’s just apparent that you are disgustingly young, and since I’m entirely TOO entrenched into my latter thirties I get to say that.
As for Mr. Franco, I don’t think he’s unattractive. Mind you, he does NOT rank in my book as the “HOTTEST MAN ALIVE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WOLRD [WORLD?].” One of the reasons he cannot achieve this position in my mind is that I do not have this precise category. I might assert (okay - I HAVE asserted) that a man is “Hot” (i.e., Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp (bet you didn’t know he’s sometimes (rarely) known as “Oprah Noodlemantra.”), Colin Firth (see - I AM OLD), Matthew Macfayden, Hugh Jackman (w/o the wolf sideburns - those don’t do it for me) and a whole other slew of people I cannot think of off the top of my head). Moreover, I’ve never really been someone to NOTICE the Adam’s Apple (except in the obvious transvestite).
As for his hair, though I think that it’s just fine sometimes, attractive others, but I just cannot concur with your assessment of “way perfect.” This ESPECIALLY goes for Tristan and Isolde when his coif changed - seriously - to an alarming extent from scene to scene.
P.S. You did nail one thing slam band right on the head, at least where I am concerned - I AM crazy.
P.P.S. Best of luck to you and Mr. Franco in your long and love-filled existence with “way perfect” hair.
Kate
Slam BANG!