Colin Ithn’t a Firth-Rate Kither
In the recent discussion about Pride & Prejudice my sister, Jenny, made the following comment:
“As much as it hurts me to say this, I must agree that the A&E 1995 smooch is seriously lacking in the dy-no-mite department.
“I’ve reviewed it a thousand times, and to me it still looks like the first painful play-practice kiss between two awkward romantic leads who haven’t even kissed anyone in real life yet. (Believe me: I have participated in several of these onstage kisses before, and therefore am quick to recognize similar anguished, awkward smooches.)”
And I was immediately reminded of another of Mr. Firth’s kisses in a different film. So this seems like a good opportunity to do a little compare and contrast.
Exhibit A: Pride & Prejudice
My friend, Laurie (who I had the pleasure of seeing again at Emma’s dance concert this past week), once starred in a production of The Music Man opposite a gentleman who was…and I’m trying hard to be diplomatic here…”not necessarily a native speaker of the language of love.”
When they were rehearsing their big love scene for the first time, they got to the part in the script where they were supposed to kiss, and she stood there staring ardently into his eyes and waited for him to make his move…and waited…and waited…and waited.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he whispered, “Pssst, I’ll go to the right…”
Which he did.
No “letting things happen naturally”…no organic, fluid, natural movement…no romance. To him it was all angles, and trajectory, and ensuring that two noses didn’t try to occupy the same space at the same time.
Mr. Firth seems to come from the same school of smooching.
In the clip you’re about to see, Jennifer Ehle is staring ardently into Mr. Firth’s eyes and waiting for him to make his move…and waiting…and waiting…and waiting. (She waits even longer than it appears because I had to trim the previous 5 seconds of ardent staring to conserve bandwidth.)
When he finally does move in for the kiss, it’s not until he’s halfway there that he realizes that not only will their noses collide before their lips do, but he’s likely to knock her unconscious with the brim of his hat. So, at the last possible second, he “goes to the right.”
Let’s watch…
(Before we go on, what’s up with that line about an inch above his collar? It looks like they only applied Ben Nye’s Pasty British Beige™ down to his collar, not thinking that he might twist his neck and reveal the less-sallow skin underneath.)
Now, you can call that a “chaste kiss” if you want, but I think Jenny’s assessment of “seriously lacking in the dy-no-mite department” is more accurate.
It’s as if the director told them, “Look, there’s a good chance we’ll get in trouble for this kiss, so to avoid having the Jane Austen Enforcement Battalion of North America swoop down on us like a gaggle of Edwardian Valkyries, whatever you do, don’t move your lips! Just kiss and freeze.”
Which was probably fine with Mr. Firth since he appears to be incapable of moving his lips when kissing anyway. Why do I say that? Because there’s additional evidence to support the claim.
Exhibit B: Love Actually
I remember seeing this kiss in Love Actually for the first time and thinking, “This is the man that women have been (chastely) lusting after all these years? He kisses like a haddock!”
But in this case, the director appears to have pulled Mr. Firth aside and said, “Look, Colin, your agent just called to remind us about the ‘no mandible movement’ clause in your contract, so in this scene just try to keep everything else moving, OK? Open and close your jaw, turn your head from side to side, clutch her skull in ever-more-awkward ways. Just do whatever you have to do to disguise the fact that you kiss like a haddock.”
Don’t get me wrong. I quite like Colin Firth and I think he’s an excellent actor. (And I say this even after sitting through Trauma at last years’ Sundance Film Festival, for heaven’s sake!) And I can’t imagine anything worse than having my own kisses recorded for posterity and then having them dissected, diagrammed and critiqued by others, but this is the price you pay for Darcyhood.
You can’t stand as an impossibly high standard in smoldering good looks, gentlemanly graces, and economic viability, without being held to the same high standard in lip locking.
And if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kissing…
Comments
kylie
This is the greatest post! Thank you for including video clips! (and I just laughed really hard).
ames
Colin could take a few pointers from Tom Netherton, of “Lawrence Welk” fame. That man’s lips would tenderly caress every word of a song. In my mind’s eye, I can picture his lips undulating as his soulful baritone brings it home: “… but Ole’ Man River, he just keeps rollin’ along!”
cooper
I cabbot comment on the P&P kiss, as I have not observed it(in its full content), but I am going to go bigtime with you on that kis from Love Actually. This guy is smitten! He’s taken the time to learn Portuguese, he’s dropped all at the holidays to go and beckon this angel to become his wife. She agrees and he plants this chicken lips peck on her!!!!!! Aaacckkk!
ames
Okay, so he’s no great shakes in the kissing department, but his gaze—HIS GAZE!
Pam
I’m with Amy.
The thing is, one could always teach the guy to smooch. (Besides, I’m sure he was just having a couple of bad days when these scenes were filmed. Perhaps he’d been to the endodontist for a root canal…a mere coincidence that both visits occurred right before a big on-screen kiss.) But the ability to gaze into the core of a woman’s soul—as only he can do so effortlessly—is an inborn gift that can be shared with no one.
He still remains high on my list of dreaminess:
Colin Firth - Pride & Prejudice
Daniel Day Lewis - Last of the Mohicans
Keanu Reeves - A Walk in the Clouds, Speed
Patrick Dempsey - Grey’s Anatomy
Amen.
cooper
Mmmmm. Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans. “I will find you!” Sigh.
Oh and in the earlier comment - that is cannot!
Kate
I’m with Pam; he could always be taught. And it isn’t about “changing” or “fixing” him. Believe me, he would LIKE better kissing. And maybe we’re just dealing with bad kissing DIRECTORS. I’d be happy to test that theory personally with Mr. Firth. It would work out EITHER way.
Alex
When I act/direct and have to sink or swim the audience with a kiss, I’m calling onboard the lot of you and insisting that you be credited as “kissing directors”.
Clare
In that second one, he looks as though he’s turning away to be sick afterwards, the whole act has been so distasteful for him.
As for the first one, surely their lips aren’t actually meeting at all? She looks like she’s kissing his chin.
Maybe he’s gay?
jenny
I agree with Pam’s halitosis theory. Maybe he’s got B.B.D.(Bad Breath Dysmorphia) and is afraid that if he moves too much, his tonsil stones will become dislodged and the fumes will render his love-interest unconscious…
grettir
Clare, what you can’t see from the clip is that, at the end of the kiss, someone taps him on the shoulder and he turns to see who it is. But perhaps he was looking for an excuse to bail from the kiss, so he was grateful for the interruption.
As for his sexual orientation, I know this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but Mr. Firth has long history of getting involved with his female coworkers. He supposedly had a fling with Jennifer Ehle during the filming of P&P. He fathered a child with Jennifer Tilly, who he hooked up with on Valmont. And he has two sons with his stunning Italian wife, who he met while filming Nostromo.
Splatt
But didn’t he do a wonderful snog at the end of Bridget Jones’ Diary? I always remember that kiss in the snow as one of my favs!
Lucinda
As a huge fan of Colin Firth this made great reading! I think Colin’s way of kissing is gentleman-like! :) I wouldn’t mind at all if he kissed me like that…