And…Um…Where Was I? Oh, Yeah…
Let me dispel the rumors right now:
- I have not joined a Trappist monastery in Panguich, Utah, and taken a vow of silence.
- I am not in an SEC-mandated “quiet period” in anticipation of a Tiny Pineapple IPO.
- I am not under a “gag order” issued by the judge in the Michael Jackson trial.
- I am not so famous that I’ve forgotten my audience…yet.
Here’s what I have been doing:
- Working 50-80 hour work weeks.
- Parenting.
- …and that’s about it.
And after I get home from work, and the kids are fed, homeworked, bathed, and in bed, and the laundry is done, and the house is cleaned, and the bills are paid, and then more work is done into the wee hours of the night, I collapse into bed and think, “You know, I really should answer some of the email that has been backing up for the past few weeks. Jodi might start having second thoughts about our impending nuptials if she doesn’t hear from me soon. And if I don’t start posting stuff on the weblog, the comments section could devolve into quasi-geriatric discussions of stool samples and gall bladders. And I should probably…erm…I should…<yawn>…probably…zzzzzzzzzzzzz.” And I’m carried away on diaphanous clouds to a faraway place where I don’t feel like a deadbeat because I haven’t produced a single ounce of worthwhile prose in months and small faeries massage my feet and feed me marshmallows shaped like bunnies and…and…um…where was I? Oh, yeah…
(Sorry, it’s 2:51am. I’m a little…fuzzy.)
But time is not my only problem. It’s not like I’ve been withholding great pearls of wisdom here. Trust me, if I had anything even vaguely interesting to say, I’d be saying it. But I have a hard time writing when the well is dry…and the barn is empty…and the fields are fallow…and the farmer’s daughter has gone off to college…and there are no faeries to massage my feet and feed me marshmallows shaped like bunnies…and…and…um…where was I? Oh, yeah…
But this evening I knew I’d gone too far when my sister, Amy, who is an extremely patient woman, said, “Hey you. You need to post something on your weblog.” If even she is fed up with my lack of output, it’s time to get back to work.
So, since I still have nothing even vaguely interesting to say, I’d like to introduce the new and improved Tiny Pineapple Gallery. With the newly-expanded content, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve gone from a mere “plethora of pineapple pictures” to a veritable “panoply of pineapple paraphernalia.”
(“Panoply of pineapple paraphernalia?” Man, I think “fuzzy” was a bit of an understatement…)
Comments
Jodi
My dearest … You could post an entire entry made up entirely of just “Duh” and punctuation, and I would read it. “Duh? Duh duh, duh … DUH! Duh duh: duh duh duh — DUH!” etc.
I can’t wait for our nuptials, when we face each other and say, “I duh.”
Jodi
P.S. I did not proofread my comment before posting it. Hence, the double use of a variant of “entire” (“entire … entirely”). Please do not hold this against me. Thank you.
Kate
I thoroughly concur with the, â??duh duh duh duhâ?Šâ?? sentiment. Duh.
Kate
Heigh ho - it IS a veritable “panoply of pineapple paraphernalia.” I’d go as far as to say the gallery is now replete with “Bountiful Bevies of Bromeliaceous Beauty.”
Kate
Sorry! Don’t mean to be a comment hog, but I have to make one small correction: The Trappist Monks live in Huntsville, Utah. Incidentally, they are famous for their delicious honey. That’s their reputation, anyway; I’ve not visited (not yet, anyway).
However, if you ever DO take a vow of silence and join a Trappist Monastery I would HAVE to visit. There I would attempt to torment you into breaking your vow of silence - like how the tourists try and crack up the Beef-Eaters in London. I think I am just diabolical to do it.
Kate
Diabolical ENOUGH!
jenny
Yeah—the Trappist blueberry hunny is particularly tasty.
[*icily*] Am I to understand that you didn’t appreciate my “stool sample” comments? Well you just listen here, Mister Healthier Than Thou: You’re mighty lucky that you wrote something before I started griping about my bursitis!
N.B. The fact that I find you insulting doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to happily accept your regular Clinique GWP hand-me-downs.
Kate
I’m reminded of a very funny stool sample story. I’ll save it for later. But as a teaser I’ll say that it involved a stick and the freezer.
Chris
Don’t they all, Kate? Don’t they all?
S'mee
(In her best “Welcome Back Kotter” voice…)Welcome back!!! I have missed your words and the photos of vacations and outings with your girls. I hope things slow down some, and that you get rested enough to post more often. p.s. I’ll see what I can do to encourage more faeries and marshmallows.
jenny
I know that the stool sample dead-horse-beating was long ago completed, but Kate made me do it:
Three days after I took in my stool sample, I got a phone call from the technician saying: “Um, we’ve had some difficulties with your stool sample.” (In other words: “We lost your stool sample.”)
About 30 minutes later: “We’ve resolved those problems with your stool sample.” (Translation: “We found your stool sample.”)
How can you lose a stool sample? It’s not like someone’s gonna take it home as a souvenir, or accidentally mistake it for their lunch or anything, for Pete’s sake.
Man, I pity the fool who has to test stool samples…
jenny
Can I just say that phrase one more time?
“SSSTTTTOOOOOOOOOOL SSSSAAAAAMMMMPPPLLLLE!!!”
Kate
How’s about “Stoolcicle?”
mary
Quoting Jenny from high school: “He’re a snack that’s easy and quick: Uncle Larry’s ‘Poop on a Stick!’”
Yes, I’ve never forgotten. I think it was from Larry “Bud” Melman and I think it was originally “toast on a stick.”
dr g
uh, ok i think everyone has posted enough crap.
emily
amen dr g.
jenny
Oh, poop.
Mimi
I wanted to affirm that indeed, Amy is an extremely patient woman. I’ve been from the deserts of Guanajuato to the jungles of Veracruz with Amy. Through all-night bus rides, hunger, thirst, fatigue, scorpions, Montezuma’s revenge in an echo chamber, and many unnecessary encounters with the Mexican police, Amy was always a pleasant and humorous travel companion. Just had to add my two cents as an enthusiastic Amy fan.
jenny
1 And the throng saith unto him, “Let there be a new writing, even a precious gift sent unto the people to bring to them great joy and gladness. And if there be not a new writing, certain people shall disable the Pineapple Master’s spam-shields.”
Book of Jenny 1:1
ames
Please, oh please, don’t bring this topic to a close! We have, not one, but two reliable sources calling me “extremely patient” and even “pleasant.” That’s the nicest thing anyone has said about me in all of 2005. You’ll notice neither testimonial comes from my husband or kids, but I’ll take all the compliments I can get. Keep bringin’ ‘em on! Even if they are sandwiched between lots of potty talk… .
N.B. Mimi, the fanship is more than mutual. Viva la lucha!
jenny
I like your hair.
Jodi
Grettir and I have eloped! Hence, his silence. At least here on his world-famous website.