The God of Small Phones
Novell cancelled my corporate cell phone a few months ago and I called AT&T Wireless today to see about getting a $22.18 refund I have coming to me.
“I’m sorry,” said the gentleman on the other end of the phone. “I don’t show that you have a credit on your account. In fact, you owe us <insert five-figure dollar amount here>.”
“What?”
“It shows that you have a balance due of <insert five-figure dollar amount here again>”.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?”
“No, sir…but this isn’t just for one phone. It looks like there are 861 cell phones on this account.”
“On my account?”
“Yes, sir.”
“In my name?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I think there’s been some mistake. I think all of the Novell corporate cell phones have somehow gotten assigned to my individual account.”
“That could be, sir.”
“So, how can I correct this? I need to have all of those cell phones reassigned to the Novell corporate account.”
“Sorry, sir, you can’t do that. Someone from Novell will have to call and have those phones transferred back to them.”
“But they weren’t supposed to be assigned to me in the first place…”
“That doesn’t matter, sir. You don’t have authorization to reassign them to the Novell corporate account. Someone from Novell would have to do that.”
“Ummm…just out of curiosity, could I cancel them all, if I wanted to?”
“Well…uh…yes, sir, you could.”
“So, let me get this straight. The fate of every cell phone within a Fortune 500 company now lies in the hands of an employee who is being laid off in four days’ time. And the only option said employee has to resolve this problem himself is to cancel all of those cell phone accounts.”
“[silence]”
“I’ll call you back…”
Comments
Anonymous
Oh. My. Gosh.
That’s insane…
so…what are you going to do? (mischievous cackle)
Jenny
William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice III, i, 65:
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?”
Exodus 21:24-25:
“Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, Burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.”
Harold Arlen & Ted Koehler:
“I’ve got the world on a string
I’m sitting on a rainbow
Got the string around my finger”
Stevie
That’s a hilarious situation, though i’m very sorry that you are being laid off. It happened to me too, but it has turned out for the best, for now I have my own company, which is going really well.
As for what you should do. How about cancel a few selected numbers, like say, the people you didn’t like, or the guy who laid you off, or the CEO. No point in pissing off 861 people, most of whom you probably dont know that well.
dan
I think this is your play:
You find out which numbers are those for the top execs there. Then you start messing with their plans (you know: cancel one, change the caller ID on another to “Ima Nidiat”, that sort of thing). Then you write an e-mail to this effect:
To whom it may concern:
As you may know, someone has been messing around with our cell phones. The last straw was when they put all the accounts in my name. I have taken the initiative of alerting AT&T to the problem and am in the process of rectifying the problems. I would be able to do much more if I weren’t being laid-off.
If you have any problems with your phones, or would like to offer a young go-getter a vice-presidency of the company (complete with “golden parachute-style pension package), please contact me at…
Grettir
I’m afraid my hyper-responsible Asmundarson blood got the best of me. I immediately notified the responsible parties and impressed upon them the severity (and irony) of the situation and I’ll follow up in a week to make sure that the responsibilities have indeed been transferred back to the proper organization.
<sigh>
I have to admit, however, that I did have a few elaborate revenge fantasies flickering in the back of my mind all afternoon.
My favorite suggestion came from my niece, Elisabeth, who recommended that I switch the CEO’s phone number to my own phone and then, whenever anyone called, pick up the phone, bellow, “YOU’RE FIRED!!!” and immediately hang up.
The thought of leaving a few senior vice presidents whimpering on the other end of the line did have a certain appeal…
Jenny
*Tee-hee!* I like “Ima Nidiat.” Here are a few more:
-Smellers D. Feller
-U. Betta Wachout
-Colin O. Skopey
-E. Normus Butte
Hugh Jass
Are you people making fun of people with ironic names? On behalf of the People with Ironic Names Having Endured Appellation Difficulties and Dysfunction(PINHEADDs)everywhere, I protest! Our founder, the esteemed Ima Hogg and her beloved sister Ura, dedicated their lives to helping PINHEADDs everywhere. I thought we had moved beyond the childish taunts.
You’ve no doubt heard of Lemongello and Orangello, the twins. While their origin stories take various forms of suspect veracity, I had a friend-who-knew-a-guy who said it is real. (They were in his cousin’s ward.) They started People with Unfortunate Names, a rival faction, but our mission is the same.
So we are talking about real people. Real pain. Real PINHEADDs. Real PUNs.
Can we save the taunts for the playground and keep the internet safe for the unfortunately named? A word to all you who plan to procreate: the naming of a child is really not the moment for jokes.
ames
Hugh, I’ve always (apparently mistakenly) thought the correct spelling of Orangello and Lemongello was “Oranjello” and “Lemonjello.” You must truly have insider information. Who are you really, Hugh? I must know!
I do so enjoy knowing how to use bold and italics.