Dull, Unimaginative Products Unite
As some of you may know, VW and Apple got together a while ago for a special promotion:
Pods Unite
Buy a New Beetle. Get a new iPod.
Well, Saturn and Dell announced today that they, too, are getting together for a special promotion of their own:
Buy a Saturn, get a Dell.
They probably left off the first part because “Dull, Unimaginative Products Unite” was a little wordy.
With the former, you had two products that were at least somewhat related: you bought a funky, stylish little car and you got a funky, stylish little accessory to use in your car. With the latter, you buy a boring, unremarkable car and you get a cheap, low-end computer that you can…um…take home in your new car and then…uh…take out of your new car and put on your desk.
Oh, wait. You don’t actually get to take the computer home in your new car. You get to take a certificate for the computer home in your new car, which you then mail to Dell, and then Dell turns around and mails you your computer…thus bypassing your new car altogether.
Brilliant…
And speaking of “brilliant,” here are a few quotes from today’s press release:
“Our research reveals a strong relationship exists between the younger Saturn target buyer and their use of, and desire for, the latest technology,” said Jill Lajdziak, Saturn’s vice president for sales, service and marketing. “At Saturn, we believe our success is dependent on building customer enthusiasm and this is another innovative way to exceed expectations at the beginning of the ownership experience, right in time for back-to-school.”
My research reveals that if all they’re getting out of it is Dell’s lowest-end desktop, this “younger Saturn target buyer” of theirs is going to have to keep on desiring the latest technology, because they certainly won’t be driving home with it. (Nor will it be arriving in the mail a few weeks later.) And it seems to me that they missed “back-to-school” by at least a couple of weeks.
Then there’s this:
“Saturn’s philosophy of putting customers first, delivering solid value at a fair price as well as being a relationship marketing pioneer is paralleled at Dell,” said Joe Marengi, senior vice president, Americas, Dell Inc. “It’s a win-win for two brands that have much in common and share a desire to take care of their customers.”
So, let’s see what else these two pioneers of mutual mediocrity have in common:
They both make dull, unimaginative products.
Their dull, unimaginative products have cheap, ugly, plastic exteriors.
Their assembly and distribution models get more press than the dull, unimaginative products they assemble and distribute.
They’ve both had to recall over a quarter of a million of their dull, unimaginative products because there was a danger they might spontaneously burst into flames.
Wonder twin powers, activate! Form of…fire extinguisher!
Comments
Jodi
F*ck you, Grettir. I like my Dell. I’m going to denigrate pineapples on my site now.
Grettir
My Dearest Jodi,
I do apologize if I have caused you any distress. My comments were all meant in good fun.
I would like to assure you that some of my best friends own dull, unimaginative products. And, in fact, one such dull, unimaginative product resides under my desk at work. (No, not a Saturn…a Dell Optiplex GX260.)
It should also be noted that I believe that dull, unimaginative products are solely a reflection of the dull, unimaginative companies that produce them. They in no way reflect poorly on the owners of said dull, unimaginative products. In fact, perhaps they only appear to be dull, unimaginative products because of the contrast between them and the utter radiance of their possessor.
And I know deep in your heart you couldn’t bring yourself to denigrate that compound fruit for which I know you hold such great affection.
Sincerely,
Your Dearest Grettir
Jenny
Don’t worry, Jodi—you’re not alone. I’m sitting here in front of a Dell; and I don’t consider myself dull or unimaginative, either.
(…That is, aside from the fact that I’m currently wearing jeans [which Grettir gave me] and a white t-shirt. And cooking squash for dinner. And driving a mid-priced, 4-door sedan. And…)
jack
lmao… yes, i too own a dell. i bought it because it was cheap, somewhat dull, and i couldn’t afford the G5 and cinema display i really wanted. what’s a poor boy to do? so yeah.. .f*ck you Grettir!! kidding… just wanted to type that. but come on.. a saturn? their commericals are bad attempts at wanting to be cool like VWs. now they think throwing in a cheap dell is going to be better than getting a beetle and an ipod??? hmmm… beetle or saturn? ipod or dell? i’m beating this dead horse.. to death.
ames (aka Roberta Frost)
I have a Dell.
It is swell.
It does not smell.
Please do not tell
Me that I must quell
My passion for … (no, not quite)
My lust for … (no, that’s overstating it)
My admiration toward (okay, that’s still overwrought, but it’s closer) my Dell.
So a Dell isn’t funky and stylish. I guess I don’t care because mine was free—a gift from my in-laws. Besides, I had a boiled egg for dinner. And I like squash. I suppose I regard cars and computers as tools and vessels. If a Craftsman wrench works as well as some funkified wrench Michael Graves designed for Target, I’d just as soon use the Craftsman.
And now for the $50,000 question: If a real jerk sits behind the wheel of a “stylish and funky” VW Beetle, does the Beetle remain “stylish and funky?” Or is it somehow tainted by its owner’s jerkiness? Similarly, if Julie Tatham or Helen Wells were to sit down at a Dell to write “Cherry Ames, Private Nurse to Larry Ellison,” would the Dell remain dull and unimaginative, or would it catch creative flame like a Pinto in a rear-end collision and become a nimble, responsive tool in the hands of its masters?
Answer me that, Mr. Pineapple Funkypants!
I apologize for the car/computer/tool mixed metaphors, but you get the point, don’t you?
(P.S. Would someone please teach me how to do links and italics? I so wanted to add a link to Larry Ellison. And, yes, I am fully aware that book titles should be italicized!)
Jenny
*Hmmmph!* All right—time to spread a little wisdom:
Creating a Link
Italics, Bold & Undlerlined
(I know nothing about computers. Nothing. I only learned to do this from Grettir; and then when I lost his cheat-sheet, I had to find these pages on the Internet. I’m so ashamed…)
Dr G
damn, people get cranky over silly stuff…
I did not get crap with my Honda Accord, and i wll not drive a car that has a small plastic vase in it!
aaahem.
Kate
I would make an eloquent argument for one or te other side of all y’alls’ argument, but I dare not be long-winded lest my Optiplex Gx240 crash again today (it may kill me for typing this, but it’s A WRETCHED HOPELESS CRASH-HAPPY BEAST). Admittedly, it’s probably the Windows and not the Dell, but when since they are, so-to-speak, in bed together, what is one to do? Anyway, I should go home from work and clean out office to make room for our soon-to-be-delivered dual-processor G5 (with cinema display).
Ha ha HA HA HA HA HEEE TEEEEEE HEEEEE (and other maniacal laughter, etc.)!
Kate
A thought:
We drive a Civic Hybrid. What do you pair with that in a promotion? There isn’t a computer that seems a propos… Hmmmm. Compact flourescents? Compost?
dan
Do you guys remember just a few months ago when Saturn was trying to convince us their cars were super-stylish? They came up witha great ad- I mean it was very good. It was just for a different car.
It started with an average suburban neighborhood, and everyone was driving around in cardboard boxes. The message: average cars are boring, you need a car with style. Then, suddenly, around the corner drives a Saturn! And it’s every bit as boring as the cardboard boxes!
That was funny.
Incidentally, the correct thing to pair with a Honda Civic Hybrid is a windmill. A stylish windmill. With solar panels attached. And a granola dispenser.
ames
Dan, I had the same reaction to that Saturn commercial. For all my long-windedness about substance over style—or even adequacy over style—I still don’t know if I could drive a Saturn. I like the concept behind the cars, but they’re just so … bleh.
dr g
Civic Hybrid.. hummm i think they should have given you a year supply of watered down tofu.
;-)
Joel
Some of us need dull, unimaginative products. They handsomely fit our dull, unimaginative budgets. One day I discovered I had a scintillating, extravagant budget.
I could have bought scintillating, extravagant things.
In the end, I bought several dull, unimaginative products. Now I use my dull, unimaginative products to do dull, unimaginative things in the hopes that one day I’ll be able to have a scintillating, extravagant budget again from a scintillating, extravagant employer.
Jenny
I think this would be a good Civic Hybrid freebee. Either that, or this.
I’m not sure the Hybrid’s big enough to carry either one, though; so I’m not sure how you’d get ‘em home…