Underwhelmed
Underworld One SheetI remember seeing the one sheet for Underworld quite a while ago and dismissing it almost immediately. IMHO, the last thing The Cinema™ needs right now is another Matrix | Crow | Blade | Dark City knock-off with some gun-toting babe in patent leather pants doing that whole neo-gothic “Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves” schtick. I’m still recovering from the crushing disappointment of The Matrix Reloaded.
Never mind that excrutiating scene with The Architect, the eye-watering inanity of the orgasmic chocolate cake, or the fact that the Wachowski brothers have set themselves up for a midichlorian-sized blunder in the third film of the series, the biggest disappointment of The Matrix Reloaded was the fact that, when it comes right down to it, Trinity might as well have spent the duration of the film in a housecoat and slippers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…crashing through high-rise windows with guns ablazin’, racing motorcycles against traffic, destroying security posts, nmap exploits, blah, blah, blah. Housecoat and slippers, I tell you.
Mind you, I’ve got nothing against Carrie Anne Moss, who is doing a tremendous job with what she’s been given, but what she’s been given lately is nothing more than a vehicle for Larry Wachowski to work through his personal issues.
So, anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah…Underworld, underwhelmed. But, after finally seeing the trailer for Underworld, my reaction has gone from:
…to:“That’s so lame…”
“That’s so cool…”
Why? Because it turns out that the gun-toting babe in patent leather pants in question is none other than Kate Beckinsale.
I’m a huge fan of Kate Beckinsale’s, though I will readily admit that my feelings have more to do with my belief in her potential than with actual past performance. Ms. Beckinsale, after all, has an inate ability to set the screen on fire that is eclipsed only by her steadfast refusal to do so. But in the trailer for Underworld she looks great. She makes Jennifer Garner in Daredevil look like Shannen Doherty in Beverly Hills, 90210.
(Tangentially, Underworld also stars Scott Speedman, who got his big break on Felicity, which also featured Scott Foley, who Jennifer Garner is in the process of divorcing.)
But, other than Ms. Beckinsale, the movie has disaster written all over it:
Here is the synopsis:
Underworld reimagines Vampires as a secretive clan of modern, aristocratic sophistcates whose mortal enemies are the Lycan, a shrewd gang of street thugs who prowl the city’s underbelly. The balance of power is upset when a beautiful young Vampire and nascent Lycan — deadly rivals for centuries — fall in love.
Hmmm… I appreciate a gothic Romeo and Juliet as much as the next man, but that description doesn’t make the film sound terribly compelling to me. Granted, lichen can withstand great extremes of heat, cold, and drought, but in any battle pitting vampires against a rock-clinging compound organism made up of fungus, algae, and/or cyanobacteria, my money’s going to be on the blood-sucking immortals who are capable of locomotion.
What? “Lycan?” As in “lycanthrope” — werewolves? Oh, that’s very different…
It’s being billed as a “British-German-Hungarian-United States Co-Production.” Isn’t that the same combination that gave us Zsa-Zsa Gabor?
The trailer reeks of quality editing. This usually means that all of the editing budget and resources were concentrated on the trailer, leaving the film itself to be edited by summer interns.
It was directed by Len Wiseman whose only professional film credits up to this point are as an assistant prop guy for Independence Day and Stargate, though he did direct a Megadeth music video once.
It was written by:
The aforementioned Mr. Wiseman.
Kevin Grevioux, a gentleman with no previous writing credits, but who played the part of “Associate Goon” in Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. (I’m not making this up.)
Danny McBride, whose “anonymous” bio on IMDb actually contains the following sentence:
Danny’s mother, Pati, a talented folk painter, urged him to be creative, caring, and, above all else, loyal to his true friends…which, according to Danny was “Crucial to surviving the most dangerous jungle of all — Los Angeles.”
Is this the caliber of writing we can expect?
Ms. Beckinsale recently left her long-time boyfriend (and father of her four-year-old daughter, Lily) for the aforementioned Mr. Wiseman. Actresses and directors linking up on set is rarely a good sign for the quality of a film.
Ms. Beckinsale just wrapped Van Hesling, a film starring Hugh Jackman that also features vampires and werewolves. I don’t think she would have signed on for a second film with the same subject matter if she had any faith in the first.
In other words, I can’t wait!!! I mean, just because a film is going to be a disaster is no reason not to go see it. Heck, I saw the trailer for Underworld when I went to see Gigli. Crap holds no fear for me.
Comments
Jenny
Two comments, neither of them about Kate Beckinsale (I tried to talk you out of this ridiculous obsession the other night, and not even my mention of Judy Dench could distract your one-babe mind.):
1) That was kind of them to not put Zsa Zsa’s picture in her bio.
2) I suspect that Danny McBride’s mother, a talented folk painter, probably wrote his bio herself.
Chris
Imagine if Kate Beckinsdale, Zsa-Zsa Gabor, Shannon Doherty, Jenny-from-the-Block, and Ben Affleck were all in a movie together… Do I hear the Circus of the [Crap] Stars theme song in the background? I think it would take years for my aesthetic sensibilities to recover.
dr g
uh, mysterious woman in tall black leather boots, must see film.
Kellen
did you see Kate Beckinsale in “The Golden Bowl”? That was a kickin’ movie, well, as kickin’ as a Henry James novel made into a movie can be. Beckinsale did a great job aside Uma Thurman, Nick Nolte, and Anjelica Huston.
Also, I am stoked for Van Helsing! can’t wait to see my man Hugh on the big screen again.
Anonymous
Was I the only one who noticed the unattainably slender thighs in that picture?
jack
giddy-up
Jenny
I, too, was irritated by those silly slender thighs. I mean, why can’t more movie stars look more like me?
I decided to doctor the photo of Ms. Beckinsale a bit so that it would better represent “The Average Woman,” i.e. me. A little cellulite on the bum. Heavy calves and thick ankles. A bit of flab on the belly. And a few strategically placed zits to represent a hormone-induced breakout (I originally only added one, but started feeling catty and ended up with three total). I would even have made her smaller-busted, but my knowledge of Photoshop is so dismal that I couldn’t figure out how to erase. Black paintbrush was about all I could manage.
And now, the final product.
Much better. I’m quite please with myself.
Emily
Jenny, you rock my world. I couldn’t have done it better myself.
Afira
Hah, and I thought I was the only one cringing at the mere mention of this movie. My boyfriend’s been raking me over the coals to go see this movie, and everytime he sees a preview, I feel like I’m holding the hand of a five year old who has to go to the potty.
I hate the tried and true Romeo and Juliet storyline that just needs to be shot, and I hate movies with pretty graphics and plotlines you could map with a ruler. Where’s my intrigue, my drama? I love books that portray this theme of vampires and werewolves, and the like, but for once, a movie that could actually meet my expectations of what a “vampire” could do, would be excellent. I feel like it’s time to tell Hollywood, that survival for 500 years does not equate to dressing up in scanty clothing, and drinking wine from a wine glass more expensive than a BMW.
However, I do admit I will go see this, I have that catchy theme song stuck in my head, and well, I’m holding hope…