Tiny Pineapple

 Sign of the Apocalypse #238

“The remarkable likeness of the beloved painter is handcrafted and hand-painted to capture the smallest detail. As he gazes off into the distance, chin in hand, you can imagine Thomas Kinkade envisioning his next masterpiece.”

• 

  Chris

  April 28, 2003 2:47 PM

  Don’t get me started. You think I wax loquacious about Orem, you should see me argue art/culture (or the perversion therof). It gets ugly.

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  Jodi

  April 28, 2003 5:14 PM

  Grettir, that’s not a joke?

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  Josh

  April 28, 2003 6:41 PM

  Let me be the first to congratulate you on your successful return from the depths of hell. Bold move of you to bring back that souvenir.

  I pray that Satan doesn’t notice it is gone and come looking for it.

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  dan

  April 29, 2003 12:38 AM

  I SWEAR TO GOD: if it were under $60 I would buy the thing. A piece of shi— er, kitch like that is seriously worth considering!!!!

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  dan

  April 29, 2003 12:39 AM

  SERIOUSLY!!!!

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  dan

  April 29, 2003 12:41 AM

  It’s the corn!!! The corn makes it perfect!!! It is PERFECT!!! I WANT IT SOOOO MUCH! I can’t even tell you!

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  Cas

  April 29, 2003 7:31 AM

  I join Thomas in giving thanks. It is objets de arte like this that make it worthwhile to wake up every morning.

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  jack

  April 29, 2003 9:31 AM

  i’m thinking office gift for grettir! let’s all pitch in! nothing says professionalism in the computing world like a john deere and Thomas Kinkad.

  Thomas Kinkad is the SHIT!

• 

  farmgirl

  April 29, 2003 9:58 AM

  Any farmer that looks like that on a tractor is going to get his ass kicked sooner or later.

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  Kate

  April 29, 2003 10:08 AM

  Does it contain blood?

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  Grettir

  April 29, 2003 10:31 AM

  Just so folks don’t mistake Kate’s legitimate question for a morbid non-sequitur:

  “‘Well, it was almost as if God became my art agent. He basically gave me ideas. And one of the foundational ideas he gave me was a way to create multiple forms of art that looked like the original, but weren’t just a poster,’ [Kinkade] says.

  “Kinkade’s divine yet technical inspiration was the perfection of a process by which an original oil painting — he creates a dozen new images a year — is digitally photographed, transferred onto a plastic-like surface and glued onto canvas. Each print visits “highlight artists,” mostly Hispanic and Asian hourly workers. In a paint-by-number style, they add a dot of red to a tree here, a dash of white to an interior light there.

  “There are nine versions of each reproduced image, from Standard Numbered editions, for a few hundred dollars, to Studio Proofs that feature a textured canvas, more highlighting and Kinkade’s machine-etched signature — compete with his DNA, courtesy of mixing the ink with the painter’s hair and blood.”

  From USA Today’s “Thomas Kinkade: Profit of Light”

  Since this isn’t a Thomas Kinkade “Work of Light,” per se, and doesn’t bear his signature, it most likely does not incorporate any bloody chunks of scalp.

• 

  dan

  April 29, 2003 2:54 PM

  Ok, I had to go to Thomas Kinkade dot com just to check on one thing. The ad you have posted claims that Tommy boy “capured the spirit of America on canvas.” Well, I don’t know about y’all, but I can’t recall the last time I saw a thatched roof on a house anywhere in America. I think he may have captured the spirit of a quaint hobbit village where bunnies hop freely, but not America.

  In case you’re wondering how his site describes such an image:

  “Seaside Hideaway evokes the mood of rapture we feel at such times. This is a glorious sunset; spray from the breaking waves drenches the air with mist, and a radiant light bathes clouds and swells with its golden glow, until the eye can scarcely tell where sky ends and sea begins. The towering, wispy clouds resemble angels in the searchlight of God’s grace; gulls fly up toward the heavenly light.

  -Thomas Kinkade”

  First of all, rapture is not a mood! It is either an emotion or a state of being transported by an emotion. Second, one doesn’t feel a mood, one exists in a mood. A mood is a state of mind or feeling, which is to say one doesn’t feel it, it exists because of how one feels. One may feel moody, but that’s different.

  Then there’s the problem of “at such times.” To which times is he refering? Times when one feels rapturous? Times when one is in a good mood? I’m guessing he means times when one sees a sunset in a hobbit village, but it is so badly worded that I hate him more for describing the painting than I already did for painting it.

  My eye can scarcely tell why anyone would be remotely attracted to this crap.

  All this can only lead to one conclusion: I NEEEEEEEED THIS STATUE!!!!!!!!!!!!

• 

  jack

  April 30, 2003 12:06 PM

  “Demand for this Thomas Kinkade and John Deere collectable is expected to be strong. Order now to avoid disapoointment.”

  god… think of all the poor disappointed souls out there. who are these bastards to think they can only ‘hand-craft’ 7,500!! truely it is the end of days.

• 

  rfphill

  May 2, 2003 3:22 PM

  I have so enjoyed the comments posted on this Kindaide thing… I haven’t this hard in ages…

  Thanks all,

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  Mimi

  May 6, 2003 12:26 PM

  I forget…is Monica Lewinsky’s new show sign of the Apocalypse #236 or #237?

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  maria

  May 6, 2003 1:32 PM

  what an opportunity to announce that Chris and I are friends of the brother and sister-in-law of the “star” (Haley) of Ms. Lewinsky’s new show. oh so few degrees of separation between us and Mr. Clinton.

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  Jenny

  May 6, 2003 11:29 PM

  Um, is it possible for me to divorce myself from you two?

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  maria

  May 7, 2003 7:50 AM

  Sorry Jenny! We like you too much. Behold the far reaching tentacles of yucky.