Brushes with Greatness
March 9, 2003
“Actually, it was more like a graze…”
- Kathy Bates once said, “Hi,” to me and tried to initiate a pleasant conversation with my young niece who was with me at the time. My niece (who knows better than to talk to strangers) looked at her with a bored expression, turned, and walked away. Ms. Bates and I exchanged exasperated smiles. She shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “I guess an Oscar doesn’t hold much sway with the pre-adolescent crowd,” turned, and walked away.
- I have peed next to Hume Cronyn.
- I sat behind John Cusack and Tim Robbins at the premiere of Tapeheads. I was going to go up to them afterwards and tell them how much I loved the film…but that would have been lying, so I didn’t.
- I was once sitting in a rather cramped seat in coach, waiting for the plane to take off, when Chris Farley appeared in the doorway at the front of the plane. He proceeded to walk past me down the aisle to the rear of the plane and I thought, “Wow, he’s riding in coach. I always knew he was down-to-earth.” Just then, he came back down the aisle on the opposite side and took his seat in first-class. I got the impression that he wanted to make one circuit around the parade route to announce his arrival and bless the lives of the commoners before taking his rightful place up front.
- On a flight to Hawaii, I had an in-depth conversation with Spalding Gray’s toddler son about Beanie Babies.
- While working the door at a post-premiere party at the Sundance Film Festival, I was patently ignored by David Lynch, but Isabella Rosselini, who was with him, looked me right in the eye, smiled that beautiful smile of hers and inquired, “How are you, this evening?” I couldn’t have been better.
- I once rummaged through a dumpster with Andrew McCarthy, who really, really wanted a certain pink, plastic visor that I had thrown away earlier that day.
- My in-laws live next door to the wife and daughters of the Grateful Dead’s Brent Mydland. I’ve roasted marshmallows in their backyard.
- Donny Osmond is married to my cousin, Debbie.
- Martha Plimpton once thought that I was yelling at her, even though I was trying to get someone else’s attention.
- Robert Redford and I have a little schtick that we do every time we’re in the same room together. He always looks over at me with this expression that says, “Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar, but I can’t quite place you.” I always give him a little smile that says, “Nope, I’m nobody,” and he gives me a nod that says, “Thanks.”
- My in-laws are good friends with Joey Skaggs, who tends to make fun of me whenever I visit.
- One summer I was playing “Motel, the Tailor” in a production of Fiddler on the Roof at the Sundance Summer Theater. I had grown my hair out, had a neatly-trimmed beard, and I was wearing small, round glasses at the time. As I was walking through the lobby of a movie theater one day, a woman grabbed her companion’s arm and, pointing directly at me, hissed, “Look, it’s Steven Spielberg!” OK, so I’ve never met Mr. Spielberg personally, but I think I can count this one since I was him for a few seconds.
- I once almost plowed into Dr. Ruth Westheimer while hurrying around the corner of a narrow hallway. (She’s quite short, so she’s hard to see.) I apologized profusely, but she just smiled and said quite enthusiastically, “It is no problem!” in that cute little clipped German accent of hers.
Comments
dan
I’m pretty sure some of these are lies. I’ve heard you tell some of these stories, but not all. I believe the Hume Cronin thing, though. Who would make something like that up? Come to think of it, who would even admit to it?
P.S. You also have seen Matt Davis of Legally Blonde and Blue Crush fame in a stage production of School For Scandal.
Grettir
I swear, they are all true. And I can’t count Matt Davis, because I’ve never really met him personally. Nor have I seen him naked.
Chris
I accidentally rubbed butts with Natalie Portman on a subway in Boston while I was trying to get to the door.
I was an an art opening with Danny Glover in San Francisco (we didn’t arrive or leave together - just in the same room).
I worked at Robert Redford’s Sundance Resort deli where I doled out sandwiches and foamy lattes to Carol Burnett (very personable), Sabrina Le Beauf (crabby, but she may have been having a bad day), and a slew of others who are not terribly memorable. I also saw Bob on a regular basis. I feel that I can call him Bob.
My cousin is married to Donny Osmond as well. I painted a house with him once.
I have worked with a bunch of contemporary art stars who no one would know - Judy Pfaff, Patrick Ireland, Oliver Herring, Richard Hunt, Brower Hatcher, Anne Hamilton, Meredith Monk, Blake Rayne (sounds like a doctor from a Nurse book), Pamela Fraser, Fabian Marcaccio, Gregg Lynn (no relation), and David Pease.
I walked past Mike Borden (the drummer for Faith No More) on the street in San Francisco. That’s all, no butt rubbing, nothing.
It seems like there must be more than that. But those are the most prominent.
Maria
Chris, I can’t believe you still won’t let the Natalie Portman thing go. Don’t think for one second you can get away with this!
Oh, and I had encounters with many a Duke basketball player from the hey days of the 90s.
TimR
Aren’t you forgetting the time you picked up Mary Stuart Masterson at the airport? Or are temporary chauffeurs held to strict confidentiality standards? I still have a sportscoat previously owned by Donny Osmond (and you). Other than that, my only validation is that a 6th grade girl (on a school field trip) recently told my daughter, “your dad’s cool.”
Chet
See, its stories like this that made me start stalking you in the first place. Now its a chain, me stalking you, you stalking Judi Dench.
jack
ok… so a friend and i stalked robert smith (the cure) at the marriot in S.L.C. back in ‘96. we got photos with him and he even asked us if we had any requests for that night’s show. i froze and mentioned some obscure b-side… he said they usually don’t play b-sides… DUH! very nice man despite my embarrassing request.
oh and donny osmond beat the sh** out of me one night for making fun of his hair… oh wait.. that was just a dream i had. nevermind… my bad.
Dr G
uh, “I accidentally rubbed butts with Natalie Portman?”
I don’t think i have rubbed butts with anyone. I have a new goal as of today.
Jodi
Keanu Reeves. David Cassidy. But I cannot divulge details!!!
Jenny
I did paint the house with Chris and Donny, but it’s been overused and has lost its punch.
I once chatted with a woman (an acquaintance) who was with Ed Herman (not an acquaintance) at the BYU Bookstore. Ed was looking distinctly uncomfortable and hiding under his hat, so I politely ignored him as per his unspoken request.
Wait, I saw Gary Waldhorn (David from “The Vicar of Dibley”) examining the strawberries at the Marks & Spencer in Stratford this last summer.
amy
Grettir, now that Bob has had his eyelift, do you still think he looks at you quizzically, or does he appear to be startled? The implication, of course, is that with his pre-surgery permasquint, I think he looked at everyone like “Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar … .”
I’m particularly proud of my 1990 LAX triple play: Dennis Miller, Ozzy Osbourne, and Meshach Taylor (of TV’s “Designing Women,” the underrated “Mannequin Two: On the Move,” etc.).
Grettir
Your eyelift theory might also explain why Meg Ryan has been glaring at me lately…
Anonymous
I hadn’t noticed her eyes—I’m always too busy trying not to stare at her pouffy lips. So sad. She’s sliding from fresh, zesty girl-next-door into shrewish Botox-zombie.